Tuesday, November 10, 2009
imy
I miss you, that's all I can say. I'm sorry babe for everything, sorry for being the worst person you've ever met
Sunday, July 26, 2009
memories
hmmm think this blog has too many memories, i just can't close it down or delete it. memories are precious to me, i can't just let it go, good or bad, happy or sad. i'll just let it be a memory :) byes
Friday, July 10, 2009
summertime that never came
Summertime - The Click Five
i just can't help it because there's no closure.I'm still stuck here wondering do u still or even spare a second to think of me. do you even bother to leave me a message like u're out working and suddenly i popped into ur mind and then you would straight away get online when u're home and leave me a message or at least reply. i think i know why u dont wanna reply me cos i ask you tht question. that question that's so important and so full of emotions that it would impact us. so you feel like its better to avoid it all together, avoid me yes. a small part of my heart, a small part of me still loves you, still care for you.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
IRobot
someone asked me such an important question and to be honest, i have no opinion. :(
im sad about it because how could i not?? you may think i have an opinion, but i feel like i dont.
is it wrong to think about marriage at this age? not wrong, maybe a little too early because im still 16 going 17. What do I know about marriage or am I ready? I think Scott knows at this age he's not ready either, though he didnt tell me directly but i can tell. at first we were so ready and eager and pretty excited just thinking of little kids running around, cute image though. But yeh bottomline, we both aren't ready to get now and have a lil kid crying for attention.
But what's really bugging me is that would i still be ready at the age of 22? 23? I think at that time I would still be in university. And I dont know, still seems too young? But what if along the way, I dont wanna get married to Scott? Cos right now, I dont know if I want to. Maybe its because he's so far away and that i don't know how it physically feels like to be with person you really love.
So what's really bugging me? I'm really scared that I would not end up with Scott, I choose not to marry him and I don't want to break his heart because I really believe that he doesn't deserve that. Can I endure and go through all this for the next 10 years or less?? Scott is going to be with physically for 2 weeks and then he has to go back. What happens to me after that? I know im suppose to move on with life and yes, its not the end of my life cause he will come back to get me right?
So what happens when we really get there? I mean even before he would think of asking my parents and before my parents would even approve of him, he has to convert to a Muslim. And that is the issue. Changing his religion is one huge issue. Would his loved ones approve of it? Because once he's converted, there are things that he cant do, like drinking alcohol, like what would his friends or family think? :( and how would he convert? would he accept my religion?? would he follwo what the religion teaches? at the age and time, would people still have faith? is there such a word called faith and religion? :( what about my parents or my whole big family? will they accept him as who he is? okay, one thing im relieved is that he's circumsized, thank god.
What happens when we're really really there?? Like, where would we stay? in Singapore? or in Arizona? I have so many questions i dont know where to find the answers or how to get it or will i accept the answers? What if his family doesnt want him to stay outside of USA? or my family doesnt want me to stay outside of Singapore?? i have so many questions and i dont what will become of me. And all this questions make me think twice about us. It really does :((
im sad about it because how could i not?? you may think i have an opinion, but i feel like i dont.
is it wrong to think about marriage at this age? not wrong, maybe a little too early because im still 16 going 17. What do I know about marriage or am I ready? I think Scott knows at this age he's not ready either, though he didnt tell me directly but i can tell. at first we were so ready and eager and pretty excited just thinking of little kids running around, cute image though. But yeh bottomline, we both aren't ready to get now and have a lil kid crying for attention.
But what's really bugging me is that would i still be ready at the age of 22? 23? I think at that time I would still be in university. And I dont know, still seems too young? But what if along the way, I dont wanna get married to Scott? Cos right now, I dont know if I want to. Maybe its because he's so far away and that i don't know how it physically feels like to be with person you really love.
So what's really bugging me? I'm really scared that I would not end up with Scott, I choose not to marry him and I don't want to break his heart because I really believe that he doesn't deserve that. Can I endure and go through all this for the next 10 years or less?? Scott is going to be with physically for 2 weeks and then he has to go back. What happens to me after that? I know im suppose to move on with life and yes, its not the end of my life cause he will come back to get me right?
So what happens when we really get there? I mean even before he would think of asking my parents and before my parents would even approve of him, he has to convert to a Muslim. And that is the issue. Changing his religion is one huge issue. Would his loved ones approve of it? Because once he's converted, there are things that he cant do, like drinking alcohol, like what would his friends or family think? :( and how would he convert? would he accept my religion?? would he follwo what the religion teaches? at the age and time, would people still have faith? is there such a word called faith and religion? :( what about my parents or my whole big family? will they accept him as who he is? okay, one thing im relieved is that he's circumsized, thank god.
What happens when we're really really there?? Like, where would we stay? in Singapore? or in Arizona? I have so many questions i dont know where to find the answers or how to get it or will i accept the answers? What if his family doesnt want him to stay outside of USA? or my family doesnt want me to stay outside of Singapore?? i have so many questions and i dont what will become of me. And all this questions make me think twice about us. It really does :((
Sunday, July 5, 2009
so many questions
soo many things happen and they happen for a reason.
soo many good things happen but are they too good to be true?
a question frequently asked but never found an answer
maybe not yet, not just yet.
i guess im so use to having so much saddness and pain
that i don't believe in happiness.
why cant i just accept it you see?
soo many good things happen but are they too good to be true?
a question frequently asked but never found an answer
maybe not yet, not just yet.
i guess im so use to having so much saddness and pain
that i don't believe in happiness.
why cant i just accept it you see?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
love story
we are so young but we wanna be together forever so badly. i yearn for you so much. we don't care about anything but us. just the both of us.
i wanna lay down with you, feel your security from your strong arms. i don't want you to let me go because i would feel at such a loss. i wanna be able to hug you, kiss you, show my love for you but i can't do that. we're parted by the ocean. im waiting for that day whereby no one can stop me from seeing you. we're so perfect just that the distance is what's keeping us apart. i always imagine this:
laying in bed with you, with my head resting on your chest. hearing your steady breathe. i'm so afraid that you would stop breathing as i wrap my arms tighter around you. i think to myself why does loving someone is never easy, why is it so complicated? why can't people just be happy for us that we wanna be together? i realize i can't please everyone. Scott says i should stop thinking about others and start thinking about what i really want which is us. I'm sorry thats the way i grew up, i put others first before myself. i can never stop crying cos i defy my family to pursue happiness, my own happiness but it comes with a cost.
i wanna lay down with you, feel your security from your strong arms. i don't want you to let me go because i would feel at such a loss. i wanna be able to hug you, kiss you, show my love for you but i can't do that. we're parted by the ocean. im waiting for that day whereby no one can stop me from seeing you. we're so perfect just that the distance is what's keeping us apart. i always imagine this:
laying in bed with you, with my head resting on your chest. hearing your steady breathe. i'm so afraid that you would stop breathing as i wrap my arms tighter around you. i think to myself why does loving someone is never easy, why is it so complicated? why can't people just be happy for us that we wanna be together? i realize i can't please everyone. Scott says i should stop thinking about others and start thinking about what i really want which is us. I'm sorry thats the way i grew up, i put others first before myself. i can never stop crying cos i defy my family to pursue happiness, my own happiness but it comes with a cost.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
culture vulture
what is culture anyway? we say that's our culture, that's the way we do it, its our culture. Western culture, Asian culture, there are so many different cultures that we do not know of. i think the only cultures we know are our own culture and the popular western culture.
it's my self interest to know about other people's culture, esp traditional ones, its worth learning as it's almost at lost. most of us right now are leaning towards modern culture, western culture. as i punch my keyboard, i realise culture now, is such a broad topic, and i cant touch on every single angel ya know. like i can talk about racial culture, if there's such a thing. a specific example would be the Hollywood culture, there's a lesbian culture in my sister's junior college. i think there's homosexual culture every where now. so what is culture really?
so i checked dictionary.com i got 11 different meanings. some are the same, while some aren't. i pick two out of the 11.
1. the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc
2.the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group: the youth culture; the drug culture.
yeah so i don't know what I'm touching on exactly about culture but here's experience.
you see, my friend, A, is a mix of dutch and Malay. her mum's dutch, her dad's Malay, Muslim.
it's my self interest to know about other people's culture, esp traditional ones, its worth learning as it's almost at lost. most of us right now are leaning towards modern culture, western culture. as i punch my keyboard, i realise culture now, is such a broad topic, and i cant touch on every single angel ya know. like i can talk about racial culture, if there's such a thing. a specific example would be the Hollywood culture, there's a lesbian culture in my sister's junior college. i think there's homosexual culture every where now. so what is culture really?
so i checked dictionary.com i got 11 different meanings. some are the same, while some aren't. i pick two out of the 11.
1. the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc
2.the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group: the youth culture; the drug culture.
yeah so i don't know what I'm touching on exactly about culture but here's experience.
you see, my friend, A, is a mix of dutch and Malay. her mum's dutch, her dad's Malay, Muslim.
so when you're a Muslim, u can only marry a Muslim, so the mum has to convert. so whatever race your dad is you follow, usually that's the case. you think you're all that and say you wont date malay guys? who the hell are you? I say malay guys have waaay better personality than white guys, okay, put it as Asian guys. Okay, i just contradict myself, i'm with a white dude, but i dont think i go around saying im not proud of who i am, I'm proud to be Asian, i'd rather look like a malay than a chinese, cos im part chinese. And for goodness sake, dress properly not like a fcking slut at the red light district, hah. and your boyfriend's friends says your like a minah. HAHAHA, straight up thats so true. I knw im bitching right now but seriously you need a reality check. yeap.
and i still cant believe am hanging out with her. gawd.
and i still cant believe am hanging out with her. gawd.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
cross roads.
it's been a while since i've posted somethings. alot has happen to me in just a span of two weeks. ya know all the sudden cristian just msg me and asked hey what up, long time no talk, whts up in ur life, what have i missed? (omg, i could remember every single thing he said) oh well, yeah, i thought i would have the shocked and tingle-y feeling inside of me but instead all i felt was emptiness and surprised. yeah that was wht i felt and my face totally changed from happy cheerie me to a blank empty stoney look. my friend ask me whats wrong, and i couldnt put it in words to tell her how i feel.
i mean the story goes like, im so in love with scott right now and i finally sought the energy, the effort to put you away in my thoughts and i did. i dont have the painful feeling in my heart anymore. and when i look back i realise i cant vision myself with you, living together in the future. i'm the kind of person who loves long term relationships. i mean i dont like playing around, i wanna stay with tht person for as long as we can. but i suddenly realise tht wouldnt happen with cristian. so when he repiled me, i feel like, omg what am i gonna do? and the way he msg me was like nothing happen btwn us before. like he doesnt acknowledge me that i was once his girl. but go to hell, i decided to let it be, if he doesnt want me anymore, then fine, his fucking lost.
but right now at this very moment, im also having doubts with myself. i mean sometimes i ponder, about whts going on between me and scott, is it too good to be true??? i mean im a very skeptical person, i dont know realise i have something good in my hands before its gone. thats my problem. thts wht happen btwn me and C, when we were so close to breaking up. we were really cool together, i realise i love him alot and whenever he said i love you, my heart melts just like that. i guess it shows tht he loves me. but right now, he's gone and doesnt bother about me any more. i guess his defination of love and mine are in parallels, i mean it doesnt meet and will never meet anymore.
so moving on, my best friend is envious of us being together, we're the super cute, disgustingly romantic couple that loves each other til death. well, i love that too. i love to soak him with my love but the feeling isnt the same as the feeling i had with C. maybe cos different ppl, its felt differently :) i hope so. i have to stop diverging to C, its getting annoying! ok where was i?
yes, Scott, i mean he promise me he will come to Singapore, to meet but every time i bring up the subject, he tells me i'll try my very best darling. i know he doesnt want to keep my hopes up but he's already bringing it down for me. i feel so scared now. im scared that i dont have the patience to wait. and im hating myself for tht. he's so patient with me, why cant i be like that???
i want him so bad til it makes me cry. i dont want us to break apart neither do i want him to feel that im so clingy and dont give him space. i wanna be brutally honest with him but its just hard to tell him. :(( wht am i gonna do?
i mean the story goes like, im so in love with scott right now and i finally sought the energy, the effort to put you away in my thoughts and i did. i dont have the painful feeling in my heart anymore. and when i look back i realise i cant vision myself with you, living together in the future. i'm the kind of person who loves long term relationships. i mean i dont like playing around, i wanna stay with tht person for as long as we can. but i suddenly realise tht wouldnt happen with cristian. so when he repiled me, i feel like, omg what am i gonna do? and the way he msg me was like nothing happen btwn us before. like he doesnt acknowledge me that i was once his girl. but go to hell, i decided to let it be, if he doesnt want me anymore, then fine, his fucking lost.
but right now at this very moment, im also having doubts with myself. i mean sometimes i ponder, about whts going on between me and scott, is it too good to be true??? i mean im a very skeptical person, i dont know realise i have something good in my hands before its gone. thats my problem. thts wht happen btwn me and C, when we were so close to breaking up. we were really cool together, i realise i love him alot and whenever he said i love you, my heart melts just like that. i guess it shows tht he loves me. but right now, he's gone and doesnt bother about me any more. i guess his defination of love and mine are in parallels, i mean it doesnt meet and will never meet anymore.
so moving on, my best friend is envious of us being together, we're the super cute, disgustingly romantic couple that loves each other til death. well, i love that too. i love to soak him with my love but the feeling isnt the same as the feeling i had with C. maybe cos different ppl, its felt differently :) i hope so. i have to stop diverging to C, its getting annoying! ok where was i?
yes, Scott, i mean he promise me he will come to Singapore, to meet but every time i bring up the subject, he tells me i'll try my very best darling. i know he doesnt want to keep my hopes up but he's already bringing it down for me. i feel so scared now. im scared that i dont have the patience to wait. and im hating myself for tht. he's so patient with me, why cant i be like that???
i want him so bad til it makes me cry. i dont want us to break apart neither do i want him to feel that im so clingy and dont give him space. i wanna be brutally honest with him but its just hard to tell him. :(( wht am i gonna do?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
havehope
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.
Anonymous
more famous quotes
Anonymous
more famous quotes
Thursday, May 14, 2009
there are some things that will never change
i recently watched the tyra banks show and they did a social experiment on high popularity. Like how far and how drastic it is. they interviewed the popular and unpopular students at a high school in new york city. and i guess this issue about the popular kids usually bringing down the unpopular ones is imminent and inevitable. to be honest, there are the popular and unpopular kids in my school but the line btwn the pop. kids and the unpop. kids are blurred. what i mean is that, the segregation isnt that clear cut like those in america or maybe other schools in singapore, or in other countries.
i think to myself, what does it mean to become popular, what do you get out of it? ok maybe the obvious one is fame, that many people know you, you have a huge social circle. many people know you. is that all that matters?? and what do have to do to become popular? do you have to look good? wear good clothes, know how to present yourself, wear make up and all that? i dont know. because i feel that some people are nice but they aren't popular, some people do wear nice clothes, i mean presentable ones but they're not popular.
so what does it takes to become a popular person? and why when you become popular, they say you bring down others, especially those who aren't on the same level as you? like tyra said, when you're popular, you have the power do something, and i agree. because pp know you, they would want to hear what u have to say, or they will do wht u want them to do or you can do whatever you can cos you have the power, and you set out to do something good, chances are you can do it smoothly, no worries there. i just dont get it why the popular school kids are abusing this power. why they use this power to bring people down when they lift their spirits up?
just because a girl has a bad achne problem or is seriously over weight, means she has to be disgusting? maybe she's the cleanest person in the world or the most nicest person in the world but you just have to tear down her self esteem just cos of her appearance. and i salute to this girl called candice who stood up in the show speaking out about the popular girls being mean.
all in all, i dont think this issue is going to end, it will always continue. i think we should just be who we are, be ourselves, i mean honestly, i would like to be popular but not in a way that i bring down people's confidence, ths also showing tht u dont love yourself and u're not confident. it's true. i wanna be popular among all the cliques, like be nice, even to those unpopular kids, i wanna be friends with them cause i know they are more worthwhile than the popular ones
i think to myself, what does it mean to become popular, what do you get out of it? ok maybe the obvious one is fame, that many people know you, you have a huge social circle. many people know you. is that all that matters?? and what do have to do to become popular? do you have to look good? wear good clothes, know how to present yourself, wear make up and all that? i dont know. because i feel that some people are nice but they aren't popular, some people do wear nice clothes, i mean presentable ones but they're not popular.
so what does it takes to become a popular person? and why when you become popular, they say you bring down others, especially those who aren't on the same level as you? like tyra said, when you're popular, you have the power do something, and i agree. because pp know you, they would want to hear what u have to say, or they will do wht u want them to do or you can do whatever you can cos you have the power, and you set out to do something good, chances are you can do it smoothly, no worries there. i just dont get it why the popular school kids are abusing this power. why they use this power to bring people down when they lift their spirits up?
just because a girl has a bad achne problem or is seriously over weight, means she has to be disgusting? maybe she's the cleanest person in the world or the most nicest person in the world but you just have to tear down her self esteem just cos of her appearance. and i salute to this girl called candice who stood up in the show speaking out about the popular girls being mean.
all in all, i dont think this issue is going to end, it will always continue. i think we should just be who we are, be ourselves, i mean honestly, i would like to be popular but not in a way that i bring down people's confidence, ths also showing tht u dont love yourself and u're not confident. it's true. i wanna be popular among all the cliques, like be nice, even to those unpopular kids, i wanna be friends with them cause i know they are more worthwhile than the popular ones
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
What are your believes?
As a person, we have own believes right? Our own principles too due to the way we were brought up or what we are taught.
So for me, I believe integrity is the very important because if you have integrity is that you want to treat others as you want to be treated. Giving a simple example, you slap some one, of course the other person will either slap you back, punch you in the face or do something worse. If you do a good deed, you'll get the reward you deserve, right? Kinda relates to karma as well. And yea I believe in karma too(: What goes around, comes around.
So next would be karma, what goes around comes around. people say i'm too nice, i agree. sometimes i feel being taken advantage of but in the of everything, i know something great, awesome and spectacular will come out of this. evrybody get what they deserve and that will always be true. we may not see the karma or whatever thts going on but subconciously, it will dawn to us. i can't assure you but i know that i would feel really good about myself.
I also believe beauty is skin deep. And just the word beauty is subjective. You can say Paris Hilton is hot but she ain't close to being beautiful. Or even Angelina Jolie, I get bored of her face, seriously. I just find her stunning because for her flawless features and her good heart but she ain't beautiful. Every women is beautiful. Beautiful not just about looks but about character and personality. your character and personality can be beautiful if you let it do good things.
though i can't follow this but i think that we should surround ourselve with positive energy like surround yourself with things that gives you something positive. like hanging out with people/ friends that always motivates you, hear you out and always gives you the brighter side of life. however, sometimes you are surrounded by these good things but somehow, you're still a pessimistic. i know why, it's because you yourself haven't change. the things/ people around you can only do so much to wrap you with postive, optimistic things but it is you. whether you want to accept it or not, it's totally up to you. being optimistic and patient i truly think will take you far.
So for me, I believe integrity is the very important because if you have integrity is that you want to treat others as you want to be treated. Giving a simple example, you slap some one, of course the other person will either slap you back, punch you in the face or do something worse. If you do a good deed, you'll get the reward you deserve, right? Kinda relates to karma as well. And yea I believe in karma too(: What goes around, comes around.
So next would be karma, what goes around comes around. people say i'm too nice, i agree. sometimes i feel being taken advantage of but in the of everything, i know something great, awesome and spectacular will come out of this. evrybody get what they deserve and that will always be true. we may not see the karma or whatever thts going on but subconciously, it will dawn to us. i can't assure you but i know that i would feel really good about myself.
I also believe beauty is skin deep. And just the word beauty is subjective. You can say Paris Hilton is hot but she ain't close to being beautiful. Or even Angelina Jolie, I get bored of her face, seriously. I just find her stunning because for her flawless features and her good heart but she ain't beautiful. Every women is beautiful. Beautiful not just about looks but about character and personality. your character and personality can be beautiful if you let it do good things.
though i can't follow this but i think that we should surround ourselve with positive energy like surround yourself with things that gives you something positive. like hanging out with people/ friends that always motivates you, hear you out and always gives you the brighter side of life. however, sometimes you are surrounded by these good things but somehow, you're still a pessimistic. i know why, it's because you yourself haven't change. the things/ people around you can only do so much to wrap you with postive, optimistic things but it is you. whether you want to accept it or not, it's totally up to you. being optimistic and patient i truly think will take you far.
Friday, May 1, 2009
learning point
i realize, i believe it's a duh and it is the correct thing that i should let go off cristian, for good. like really really. i will save myself from tired nights of hot stinging tears and also from hurting scott. it is evil, cruel of me that i want cristian back when i'm actually with scott. it is so wrong but all i want is to tell him how i feel, how sorry i am and to show him that the best thing right now is for us to be far apart as possible cause it will only hurt us more. it pains me to even think of that but i keep telling myself its for the best. though i may not agree with it now but i believe once i tell cristian this, it will all be alright? i hope so. i just dont want to regret making that decision cause i know once i've decided there's no changing of my mind or his mind for that matter. thats the hardest part :(
and i think one of the days, me and scott will break up but if we want to be together forever, i think we will patch things up and have a better relationship. i wont be surprise as a matter a factly.
and i think one of the days, me and scott will break up but if we want to be together forever, i think we will patch things up and have a better relationship. i wont be surprise as a matter a factly.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
i dont know
i dont wanna hurt him anymore, i wish to rewrite my past and redo it all over again. but i can't. why?? why do i always say that? "but i can't" every single time i wanna do something i'll always come up with an excuse to not do it. how great is that? not really.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
imperfect
you're imperfect for so many reasons, yet i still love you. i've found my imperfect someone but i can't bring myself to be with you anymore cos it's for the best
Saturday, April 11, 2009
this is for you
hey sid, its a long story for me to comment on your blog, so i decided to spill it here. Yeah i am in pain, as always. i guess im gonna be labeled that away forever. haha, yikes, no. but i say this blog is like my book and pen for me to pout out all my negative feelings and cry over them. i am a cheerful person when i want to be but so happens i choose this blog to vomit out all my cries and wails, all my heartbreaking moments and shattering encounters.
yeah im still not over the fact that my previous boyfriend is m.i.a, gone, i dont know what happen to him, i cant contact him at all and i blame myself for him being m.i.a. i havent stop blaming, i just can't. because when we're together, it's always been me who spoils everything. i gave all my heart out to cristian and i always think he never appreciates what i do. On the flipside, i learn that loving is bout giving and dont matter what having any in return. sadly i was always expecting him to do something in return but i didnt get any, i got so pissed and annoyed, it drove him crazy. and tht leads to driving him away. i totally screwed up.
yeah im still not over the fact that my previous boyfriend is m.i.a, gone, i dont know what happen to him, i cant contact him at all and i blame myself for him being m.i.a. i havent stop blaming, i just can't. because when we're together, it's always been me who spoils everything. i gave all my heart out to cristian and i always think he never appreciates what i do. On the flipside, i learn that loving is bout giving and dont matter what having any in return. sadly i was always expecting him to do something in return but i didnt get any, i got so pissed and annoyed, it drove him crazy. and tht leads to driving him away. i totally screwed up.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
bothered
im so annoyed and pissed but whenever i get the chance to tell you how i feel, i retreat cos you always come up with a pretty good reason and thus i cant really say what i feel cos i'll feel so bad, i think whatever that gonna come out of my mouth will be so harsh and sharp that it will hurt you :(
im always thinking of what you feel, how you gonna react and wht will be the consequence if i do this. so thats why sometimes i hold back or not say a thing. just keep my mouth shut and thats it but now i cant. its eating me up and it feels horrible. i hate it, i feel so disturbed and uneasy. SOOO UNEASY that its bothering sssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
im always thinking of what you feel, how you gonna react and wht will be the consequence if i do this. so thats why sometimes i hold back or not say a thing. just keep my mouth shut and thats it but now i cant. its eating me up and it feels horrible. i hate it, i feel so disturbed and uneasy. SOOO UNEASY that its bothering sssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooo much!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
I Must Be Dreaming
what am i gonna say? i dont wanna mope arnd anymore, its tiring. im half way there. i guess, fingers cross
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Shattered
"what you me need for huh?" that spat, that angry remark, though it was some what a year ago, it still stings :((( i can't stop the hurt i have but every time i counter it by saying i've hurt him more. that was just one remark, i guess he didnt mean it.
but when i said to myself, i've hurt him more, it makes me feel even worst. i cant help it. it still rings in my head and the hurt is still being felt strongly in my heart. its fine, not broken, but there are stitches and scars that will always stay there as a mark of remembrance. i dont know if i can live with that. one year, so many things have come and go, and im still stagnant here. next week is good friday, i still kinda remember when we're both online and we talk and it was on a good friday holiday. memories, sweet but when being remembered now, its all bitter and sad. there's no sign happiness, only longing. i long for you to come back to me but i know its never gonna happen.
but when i said to myself, i've hurt him more, it makes me feel even worst. i cant help it. it still rings in my head and the hurt is still being felt strongly in my heart. its fine, not broken, but there are stitches and scars that will always stay there as a mark of remembrance. i dont know if i can live with that. one year, so many things have come and go, and im still stagnant here. next week is good friday, i still kinda remember when we're both online and we talk and it was on a good friday holiday. memories, sweet but when being remembered now, its all bitter and sad. there's no sign happiness, only longing. i long for you to come back to me but i know its never gonna happen.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
bloggggg
i love writing at this blog, cos i can write anything i want and nobody would care. nobody knows about this, well except for one person but well, that doesn't matter cos my friend doesn't know about this part of my life. only one or two but i don't care really. i just want to vomit out all my feelings and just write all i want. and i don't really care if people get bored of reading this blog. i just don't care anymore.
in this platform, i can express my true feelings and what's really bugging me, i swear my other blog is just like a facade. i mean yes i do blog about my daily happenings in school and whatnot on my other blog but in that blog, i can't express what im truly feeling cos no one knows and it's just between me myself and i. sometimes however, i cant keep all those overwhelming feeling to myself so i blog it here. it feels good but after that i do wish for a shoulder to cry on or a lending ear.
in this platform, i can express my true feelings and what's really bugging me, i swear my other blog is just like a facade. i mean yes i do blog about my daily happenings in school and whatnot on my other blog but in that blog, i can't express what im truly feeling cos no one knows and it's just between me myself and i. sometimes however, i cant keep all those overwhelming feeling to myself so i blog it here. it feels good but after that i do wish for a shoulder to cry on or a lending ear.
Friday, March 20, 2009
exhausted
im exhausted of everything. and i do mean everything. im exhausted with school, assignments, boring routine. Wait? whats my routine? oh yes, going to school, getting tired. not paying attention, losing focus, just wanting to go home and sleep. then wake up, miss dinner and do my homework. waiting for scott to get online, talk to him for only awhile. he doesn't knw how annoying it is to wait for him, only talking to him for a short time. when i asked him not to leave, he says he have to, whatever. im tired of that. then going back to do assignments and crying soon after cos i can't do chemistry, thats for sure. then doing math is stressing me out. looking at geog tutorials is irritating me. im just exhausted but i cant break this. my life is so dull right now. and i can't help it. i dont know wht i enjoy doing so tht i can break from my monotone routine. this cycle repeats every other school day. by the time weekends, im burn out.
and honestly im tired of waiting for scott to come online and tired of cristian to finally appear. i cant blame thats the sucky part, he wants to focus and study. i guess he cant spare a small moment for me. just to help clear things up with us. i dont think scott sees my problem, duhh he doesnt cos he doesnt know im secretly wanting to be back with cristian. what a bitch i am. fuck.
i want cristian back cos we havent officially break up, we're.. i dont know. i dont knw what we are right now. are we together? are we single now? i am tired of waiting. it was since november last year. now its march. 5 months, you're killing. its so hard for me. im telling a computer my feelings. a robot tht doenst have feelings at all. nice work.
im thankful that scott is so happy go lucky but i dont know. he does listens to me. he's the most perfect guy a girl could ever want. so fucking sweet. im just tired of everything. i need some sleep but then im gonna miss scott. see! oh god, can this thing get any more annoying? grrr
i hate him =.= i said tht to evry one sheesh
and honestly im tired of waiting for scott to come online and tired of cristian to finally appear. i cant blame thats the sucky part, he wants to focus and study. i guess he cant spare a small moment for me. just to help clear things up with us. i dont think scott sees my problem, duhh he doesnt cos he doesnt know im secretly wanting to be back with cristian. what a bitch i am. fuck.
i want cristian back cos we havent officially break up, we're.. i dont know. i dont knw what we are right now. are we together? are we single now? i am tired of waiting. it was since november last year. now its march. 5 months, you're killing. its so hard for me. im telling a computer my feelings. a robot tht doenst have feelings at all. nice work.
im thankful that scott is so happy go lucky but i dont know. he does listens to me. he's the most perfect guy a girl could ever want. so fucking sweet. im just tired of everything. i need some sleep but then im gonna miss scott. see! oh god, can this thing get any more annoying? grrr
i hate him =.= i said tht to evry one sheesh
Sunday, March 15, 2009
waiting
i feel so stupid waiting, pretending that you're gonna come but what are the odds? nothing i guess. you're not gonna come, you're never going to. it just sucks big time right now. too many things, its been too long, and that one day was just luck. its never gonna happen again. i've lost you forever.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
river of tears
when read back our conversations i saved and as we progressed through the years, i realize my love for you deepened. Honestly, some times I'm scared to say how much I love you cos I'm afraid of what you might think. You might think that Im insane or something, i dont know. I mean there was once I told you, I need you. But in the end you snapped back asking me what do I need you for? I didnt dare to say anything cos you were so piss at me but isnt it obvious? You're my boyfriend then, i dont know about now. I need you to be a boyfriend, my boyfriend. When you asked me that, you broke my heart but i didnt wanna say it cos i've broken your heart far worst than you've broke mine. Another one, when I told you, I wanna be with you forever. I was so sure about my decision but you doubted me and asked me am I sure? Its like as if you dont want me to be with you :( it sucks thinking like that.
And now, you're gone from my life. I feel like it. I miss you but then again, you're not there. Who am I to blame? I got no one to blame but myself. How can I not blame myself because it's true, I've hurt and that drove you away, in turn i shattered my own heart. I know you say that you're busy with school, preparing college but i guess at the same time, its a good way to be away from me too. So you wouldnt feel burdened from me. I dont know what to think cos if i think of this, you will tell me otherwise. I dont know, I dont know! This sucks so bad. I know you wouldn't be thinking about me anymore, you're too busy with school and making sure you have time for your friends. Im nothing anymore, im not your girlfriend anymore :(
And now, you're gone from my life. I feel like it. I miss you but then again, you're not there. Who am I to blame? I got no one to blame but myself. How can I not blame myself because it's true, I've hurt and that drove you away, in turn i shattered my own heart. I know you say that you're busy with school, preparing college but i guess at the same time, its a good way to be away from me too. So you wouldnt feel burdened from me. I dont know what to think cos if i think of this, you will tell me otherwise. I dont know, I dont know! This sucks so bad. I know you wouldn't be thinking about me anymore, you're too busy with school and making sure you have time for your friends. Im nothing anymore, im not your girlfriend anymore :(
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
chemistry doesnt work
god damn it, today was a wreck, esp in the morning. the rest was ok. not seems to surprise me no more, or should i say nothing seems to excite me or makes me laugh anymore. like what the hell? whats wrong with me? am i not human??
anw, chemistry, economics and math are my 3 main subject and chemistry and math are the crucial subjects that will enable me to into NUS nursing with double honours. god! why chem? man im stuck with this cos its the only way for me to get into nursing. why didnt i just get a diploma in nursing instead of degree? oh wait, a degree is waay better than diploma, yeah but in what ways?? =.= that i still dont get. thats besides the point. im trying to get use to the indepedent study and getting use to chemistry lessons 4 times a week. 4 TIMES! in a freaking week! and i wanna kill some one right now who's suppose to be here with me but aint here. =.=
i think im having mood swings, god! im so piss off with the world and my head's hurting. its cracking, compressing and evrything. it hurts! really badly. i dont wanna get a migrane like my mum. please dont :/ im so tired...
anw, chemistry, economics and math are my 3 main subject and chemistry and math are the crucial subjects that will enable me to into NUS nursing with double honours. god! why chem? man im stuck with this cos its the only way for me to get into nursing. why didnt i just get a diploma in nursing instead of degree? oh wait, a degree is waay better than diploma, yeah but in what ways?? =.= that i still dont get. thats besides the point. im trying to get use to the indepedent study and getting use to chemistry lessons 4 times a week. 4 TIMES! in a freaking week! and i wanna kill some one right now who's suppose to be here with me but aint here. =.=
i think im having mood swings, god! im so piss off with the world and my head's hurting. its cracking, compressing and evrything. it hurts! really badly. i dont wanna get a migrane like my mum. please dont :/ im so tired...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Mummy
i want to be a mummy, yeah a mother. i want to be a mother. i wanna go through pregnancy and all stuff that women go through. i think to myself, i dont mind being a young mother right now but i knw i am not fully aware of the consequences if tht we to happen. when i look at babies, it makes me want to have one on my own. i really do want to having kids, alots of kids but not like 14 with 8 identical twins. 14's too much for me. but yeah i would like a big family.
i know i would be so scared too to raise a child when im still a kid. i cant be independent right now, i really cant. but i want a child, lol, i told tht to scott. well, luckily he doesnt mind :) we love each other and he would be a responsible, i just know it
i know i would be so scared too to raise a child when im still a kid. i cant be independent right now, i really cant. but i want a child, lol, i told tht to scott. well, luckily he doesnt mind :) we love each other and he would be a responsible, i just know it
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Finally
finally you've replied, finally i felt some relieved. after all my cries and pleas, you forgive me. im glad that you're getting ready for college. im happy for you but dont blame yourself, please dont. maybe its me who needs to grow up. yes i do agree im kinda needy, i dont know why, maybe becos im so attached to you. i need you so much but i know i cant always have you. your life doesnt revolve arnd me no more. but its so hard trying to not being needy. i wish i am just right beside you right now. i wish things were different. but i cant change it. i miss you is all i can feel. i love you is all i can profess. being with you is all i ever wish for. So now that you've replied me, i guess i have to wait another two/three months for another reply? i hope i can survive tht. i really hope so. i cant go through another horrible meltdown that had me sick for days and make me unable to speak. i felt depressed, so depressed. i dont know what to do now. im stuck. as always
Sunday, February 8, 2009
i take it back
i take back what i said, sid. i am in pain i guess. and wanna knw why?
i've made a huge regrettable mistake which is haunting me right now.
i mean i made a mistake which i wish i hadnt done it
but now i can be forgiven no matter how much i plea.
i miss him so badly. if only im given the chance, i would want to turn back time and redo what i have done wrong. if only i had cherished the moments and asked for something more. cos i only have little, tiny, fragile memories of you. i cant do this. i cant keep thinking of "if only". Its over and done with. but i now i keep waiting for you. keep waiting for your reply, keep thinking what happened to you, are you safe? are you alright? are you happy? are you with some one else? though i will be so jealous but i have to force myself to be happy cos its for the best. i wanna talk to you so badly. i can only say so much but you wont even hear my cies and apologies. even though i've decided to break away, you still havent reply me, you havent say anything, so my deicision is hanging on a lose thread. its so hard to keep it together. its so hard for me stay compose cos every time i wanna cry. i wanna cry cos everything's gone. everything's different. i feel that you're gone. i cant do this. i broke all our promises and im fighting to love some one else. i can't do this. I Can't. cos you havent speak to me for so long. i need to knw. i need to knw everything. I MISS YOU. BUT I knw you dont cos you hate me right now
i've made a huge regrettable mistake which is haunting me right now.
i mean i made a mistake which i wish i hadnt done it
but now i can be forgiven no matter how much i plea.
i miss him so badly. if only im given the chance, i would want to turn back time and redo what i have done wrong. if only i had cherished the moments and asked for something more. cos i only have little, tiny, fragile memories of you. i cant do this. i cant keep thinking of "if only". Its over and done with. but i now i keep waiting for you. keep waiting for your reply, keep thinking what happened to you, are you safe? are you alright? are you happy? are you with some one else? though i will be so jealous but i have to force myself to be happy cos its for the best. i wanna talk to you so badly. i can only say so much but you wont even hear my cies and apologies. even though i've decided to break away, you still havent reply me, you havent say anything, so my deicision is hanging on a lose thread. its so hard to keep it together. its so hard for me stay compose cos every time i wanna cry. i wanna cry cos everything's gone. everything's different. i feel that you're gone. i cant do this. i broke all our promises and im fighting to love some one else. i can't do this. I Can't. cos you havent speak to me for so long. i need to knw. i need to knw everything. I MISS YOU. BUT I knw you dont cos you hate me right now
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
stuck
i can't go back and i don't want to move forward.
im stubborn enough that i want to stay here, comfy.
not wanting to step out and only yearning to go back.
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why it's called present.
a saying from a wise turtle in the children movie kung fu panda.
even a cartoon turtle is wiser than me? OMG!?!?
yeah yesterday is history cos its over.
tomorrow is a mystery cos you don't knw what's coming for ya.
but i don't why today is a gift. i've been trying to figure it out
but i can't. i bloody hell can't! damn it.
i only have memories of you, faint memories, fragile memories that could crumble any time.
im suppose to look forward, not turn back but i can't help it cos i miss you, C
but i can't break S's heart. god why is my life so annoyingly complicated????
and im angry cos it's like tht. i dont have a smooth sailing trip.
the waves are always big and choppy and i almost drown.
its tiring but what i can i do?
i can only hope and pray tht you get my message, C.
from there we could work things out but i knw it's gonna be ugly.
VERY ugly.
im stubborn enough that i want to stay here, comfy.
not wanting to step out and only yearning to go back.
yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why it's called present.
a saying from a wise turtle in the children movie kung fu panda.
even a cartoon turtle is wiser than me? OMG!?!?
yeah yesterday is history cos its over.
tomorrow is a mystery cos you don't knw what's coming for ya.
but i don't why today is a gift. i've been trying to figure it out
but i can't. i bloody hell can't! damn it.
i only have memories of you, faint memories, fragile memories that could crumble any time.
im suppose to look forward, not turn back but i can't help it cos i miss you, C
but i can't break S's heart. god why is my life so annoyingly complicated????
and im angry cos it's like tht. i dont have a smooth sailing trip.
the waves are always big and choppy and i almost drown.
its tiring but what i can i do?
i can only hope and pray tht you get my message, C.
from there we could work things out but i knw it's gonna be ugly.
VERY ugly.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
So many misses
But just one person.
I'm gonna miss baby once I've start school. I can't stay up late at night any more next week. I'm not ready for school. I want you with me, by my side all the time. I don't want us to go to school, lol. But that dream won't turn into a reality unless it's pleasantville and you control it. I don't wanna go to school and I want baby to come here asap! I know I act like a baby, esp ytd when I felt so down and all I want is to talk to baby but he has school. Just wish he could skip it for me, grrr. See how baby-ish I am and I'm already 16, grow up will ya?
And then he promise to get online in school and so he did. But before that I was so grumpy, I kinda spat back at him unintentionally. I'm really sorry for that. These days things are going so crazy and I don't undestand my emotions. And it's horrible. Honestly I dont want to start my new school, even though I have companies there and I am comfortable with them. I just wanna go home and snuggle in bed and dream that am I in wonderland with baby. God, fuck it man. First I can't wait for school, now I hate school even w/out stepping into school. What the hell man?!? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
And now i miss you so fucking badly, our little time together isn't enough but a friend taught me we shouldn't be greedy or else we would be punish but i cant help to ask for more cos i really feel time never gave us enough compared to others. couples can call their lovers now in the middle of the night and ask for company. Ask for comfort, hearing their voices will soothe them but I cant feel that, which sucks big time. I would give anything to be with baby now. i really would. I should be contented, should be happy tht i do have a boy loving me with all his heart :)
I'm gonna miss baby once I've start school. I can't stay up late at night any more next week. I'm not ready for school. I want you with me, by my side all the time. I don't want us to go to school, lol. But that dream won't turn into a reality unless it's pleasantville and you control it. I don't wanna go to school and I want baby to come here asap! I know I act like a baby, esp ytd when I felt so down and all I want is to talk to baby but he has school. Just wish he could skip it for me, grrr. See how baby-ish I am and I'm already 16, grow up will ya?
And then he promise to get online in school and so he did. But before that I was so grumpy, I kinda spat back at him unintentionally. I'm really sorry for that. These days things are going so crazy and I don't undestand my emotions. And it's horrible. Honestly I dont want to start my new school, even though I have companies there and I am comfortable with them. I just wanna go home and snuggle in bed and dream that am I in wonderland with baby. God, fuck it man. First I can't wait for school, now I hate school even w/out stepping into school. What the hell man?!? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
And now i miss you so fucking badly, our little time together isn't enough but a friend taught me we shouldn't be greedy or else we would be punish but i cant help to ask for more cos i really feel time never gave us enough compared to others. couples can call their lovers now in the middle of the night and ask for company. Ask for comfort, hearing their voices will soothe them but I cant feel that, which sucks big time. I would give anything to be with baby now. i really would. I should be contented, should be happy tht i do have a boy loving me with all his heart :)
Friday, January 30, 2009
Hiippie
Hey sid, im not in that much pain ya knw not always anw.
ok thats besides the point for now. i wrote thing, i dont know if its a poem or just something else.
here goes:
I don't wanna think of any bad memories or any thing bad.
though bad memories are really nothing when you look back at them.
you just remember how silly there were back then and we would just laugh it off.
I can't wait to be with the one I truly love.
I can't hang on for another minute w/out being in your arms.
I feel safe and protect and I feel that no one would hurt cos you're there protecting me.
It's a great feeling to feel, such a warm soulful feeling that its hard to explain.
Like an angel watching over but you're more than that.
You are everything to me.
Though I say I won't think of the negatives,
Some how I do. I realize what is going on.
At first, I don't sense what you're feeling.
I mean, you're so full of it and i am not.
i don't knw why. but now i do cause i figured
the more u are further away frm me,
the more i yearn for you. i more terrified i am
of losing you.
it's not just a saying
to be shrugged off.
any thing can happen and we don't see it coming
i want to cherish every single minute we have with each other
cos time
won't wait for any thing. time is a bitch actually.
when i am sad, i can this warmth
and i knw its you.
you're in my heart and mind.
always guiding me through,
always making me smile with our little moments.
memories they are, just memories...
but when do i get to be with you?
brown turn to green
and i turn away when i see two people loving each other
enjoy and relishing their own moment.
i want to be happy but i can't
but i also cant also turn into a green monster
thats not the way darling would want me to be.
loves
- crappy but it's a try(:
ok thats besides the point for now. i wrote thing, i dont know if its a poem or just something else.
here goes:
I don't wanna think of any bad memories or any thing bad.
though bad memories are really nothing when you look back at them.
you just remember how silly there were back then and we would just laugh it off.
I can't wait to be with the one I truly love.
I can't hang on for another minute w/out being in your arms.
I feel safe and protect and I feel that no one would hurt cos you're there protecting me.
It's a great feeling to feel, such a warm soulful feeling that its hard to explain.
Like an angel watching over but you're more than that.
You are everything to me.
Though I say I won't think of the negatives,
Some how I do. I realize what is going on.
At first, I don't sense what you're feeling.
I mean, you're so full of it and i am not.
i don't knw why. but now i do cause i figured
the more u are further away frm me,
the more i yearn for you. i more terrified i am
of losing you.
it's not just a saying
to be shrugged off.
any thing can happen and we don't see it coming
i want to cherish every single minute we have with each other
cos time
won't wait for any thing. time is a bitch actually.
when i am sad, i can this warmth
and i knw its you.
you're in my heart and mind.
always guiding me through,
always making me smile with our little moments.
memories they are, just memories...
but when do i get to be with you?
brown turn to green
and i turn away when i see two people loving each other
enjoy and relishing their own moment.
i want to be happy but i can't
but i also cant also turn into a green monster
thats not the way darling would want me to be.
loves
- crappy but it's a try(:
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Materialistic much??
I realize that this era, people are so much more materialistic that ever, I don't know. Now, not only the rich opt for brands and labels, everybody opt for it even though they don't have the money.
I am one of them, I won't lie. Yes I opt for labels too but the more i go on about it, the more i get tired cause idk, i realize that every one will compete to get the best, the latest the most expensive or the unique bag. Isn't it tiring? A Gucci wallet is the same as any wallet just that it has unique designs, different material, the brand and made in China or Taiwan. After that it would cost few hundreds or tohusands of dollars. But the shape of the fucking wallet is the same as any other ordinary wallet. So what's with branded labels?
For me honestly, I would do that. I am very skeptical about people esp with their branded goods. I would be thinking is that fake or real? Then I would look at the person and see if the person can the afford it. OMG, what a bitch I am. Why I bother soo much whether the person got that Gucci bag for real or at a flea market? Maybe cos I get green eyed easily so thats why. I want the Gucci, Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Lauren and Docle and Gabanna. Omg, but I know I can't afford it cos I want the original only.
However, I came to terms that I can't afford these luxury and it doesn't make me happy at all. So I've decided to be contended with myself and what I have. I'll buy what I want if I have the money and if I don't, I'll save up get em :) Luxury isn't a big deal actually, I just wish people could get that in their head.
I am one of them, I won't lie. Yes I opt for labels too but the more i go on about it, the more i get tired cause idk, i realize that every one will compete to get the best, the latest the most expensive or the unique bag. Isn't it tiring? A Gucci wallet is the same as any wallet just that it has unique designs, different material, the brand and made in China or Taiwan. After that it would cost few hundreds or tohusands of dollars. But the shape of the fucking wallet is the same as any other ordinary wallet. So what's with branded labels?
For me honestly, I would do that. I am very skeptical about people esp with their branded goods. I would be thinking is that fake or real? Then I would look at the person and see if the person can the afford it. OMG, what a bitch I am. Why I bother soo much whether the person got that Gucci bag for real or at a flea market? Maybe cos I get green eyed easily so thats why. I want the Gucci, Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Lauren and Docle and Gabanna. Omg, but I know I can't afford it cos I want the original only.
However, I came to terms that I can't afford these luxury and it doesn't make me happy at all. So I've decided to be contended with myself and what I have. I'll buy what I want if I have the money and if I don't, I'll save up get em :) Luxury isn't a big deal actually, I just wish people could get that in their head.
Am I in pain?
Good question mate, I am in pain? I don't really know. I know that I'm upset and that makes me worry like crazy. And I did move on, its just that I referring to another person I know.
But problem solve so I am OK now. Yeah, just for now :) I am picking up the pieces. Or maybe I am suppose to be in pain. Ouch that's pessimistic much, what the hell am I talking about? Why do I have to make myself miserable?? I don't know. Funny, how can I not know??
But problem solve so I am OK now. Yeah, just for now :) I am picking up the pieces. Or maybe I am suppose to be in pain. Ouch that's pessimistic much, what the hell am I talking about? Why do I have to make myself miserable?? I don't know. Funny, how can I not know??
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I'm a coward
I feel like a coward, a bitch and that sucks. I wanna tell you things that is a pressing issue for me but every time when the chance come, I let it pass. Why? Because whenever we are together you are so happy, delighted and excited to be with me and that makes it hard for me to bring up the issue I wanna tell you.
Even if I came round to tell ya, you wouldn't understand. Even if I tried to explain to ya, you wouldn't get it and you will always find your way around to reassure me and make things ok. But what's been bothering me is not Ok, if you don't understand my religion or even respect me.
Also on the other hand, I am afraid to let this worry out cause, I am afraid you would leave me. You can't leave. We just got together and I can't suffer another heartache. It's too painful. If it happens, I'm going to deprive myself of a relationship and dating guys. Just when I thought everything were going fine, it goes the other way round. I can't fulfill you desire while I take the fall of bringing down my family's name. Even though one day you would be a loved one, you're still not a loved one now and I gotta sacrifice you but I'm scared to do it and I'm even scared to tell you. See I'm like posting it on my bloody fucking blog. Like what the hell is this? ==
It's getting pathetic but at least I feel that it helps me prepare
Even if I came round to tell ya, you wouldn't understand. Even if I tried to explain to ya, you wouldn't get it and you will always find your way around to reassure me and make things ok. But what's been bothering me is not Ok, if you don't understand my religion or even respect me.
Also on the other hand, I am afraid to let this worry out cause, I am afraid you would leave me. You can't leave. We just got together and I can't suffer another heartache. It's too painful. If it happens, I'm going to deprive myself of a relationship and dating guys. Just when I thought everything were going fine, it goes the other way round. I can't fulfill you desire while I take the fall of bringing down my family's name. Even though one day you would be a loved one, you're still not a loved one now and I gotta sacrifice you but I'm scared to do it and I'm even scared to tell you. See I'm like posting it on my bloody fucking blog. Like what the hell is this? ==
It's getting pathetic but at least I feel that it helps me prepare
Torn apat again
I've torn apart before and I'm torn apart now.
My mum was telling stories about my religion, Islam and the little little things we can and cannot do in Islam. The more she went on, the more I keep thinking of you and me. I feel I can't go on like this because you're asking me something that I can't bear to do. It would break my parents heart and it would cost me dearly. It would give me a huge sin that I don't know how to ask for forgiveness from both my parents and the One up there.
Obviously, I am torn apart between religion and love. It's cause we're so different that's why its so complicated and so confusing to explain. I am brought in a conservative way and you're free to do whatever you want or desire. I can't fulfill you're desire cause I realize its against my religion. Yeah I know I'm not that pious but after what my mum told me, I realize what a sin I'm committing. My mum didn't intentionally brought up the topic on religion, we were talking about her students and how she gave little talks on religion cause they do not know anything about Islam even though they are Muslims. I feel so at lost right now. I can't bear losing you but I also can't bear the shame, disappointment from my parents and the huge sin if committed.
My mum was telling stories about my religion, Islam and the little little things we can and cannot do in Islam. The more she went on, the more I keep thinking of you and me. I feel I can't go on like this because you're asking me something that I can't bear to do. It would break my parents heart and it would cost me dearly. It would give me a huge sin that I don't know how to ask for forgiveness from both my parents and the One up there.
Obviously, I am torn apart between religion and love. It's cause we're so different that's why its so complicated and so confusing to explain. I am brought in a conservative way and you're free to do whatever you want or desire. I can't fulfill you're desire cause I realize its against my religion. Yeah I know I'm not that pious but after what my mum told me, I realize what a sin I'm committing. My mum didn't intentionally brought up the topic on religion, we were talking about her students and how she gave little talks on religion cause they do not know anything about Islam even though they are Muslims. I feel so at lost right now. I can't bear losing you but I also can't bear the shame, disappointment from my parents and the huge sin if committed.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Needy
If anybody see Scott, please tell me. I miss him dearly :(
You might think I'm crazy right now, but I'm not. I haven't talked to him for a day and it's killing me. Yeah say it I'm insane but I'm insanely in love. Omg, what's going on with me? :(
I want a hug from him and big, tight squeeze. I miss my sweetheart. I want to be in his arms, so bad.
You might think I'm crazy right now, but I'm not. I haven't talked to him for a day and it's killing me. Yeah say it I'm insane but I'm insanely in love. Omg, what's going on with me? :(
I want a hug from him and big, tight squeeze. I miss my sweetheart. I want to be in his arms, so bad.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Anger won't work
Yeah anger doesn't but I'm so angry I don't know what to. I haven't heard from you for a day. Yup, I know, thats ridiculous but it never was like this before. I mean, you always message me. What happen? Damn it, I'm so angry right now. Ugh.
I don't understand this. Yeah of course I know what I did is wrong but some how I don't think so. I mean I went out with my old flame but we are so over each other since like 4 years ago. I don't know why you have to get so weird, asking me lots of question about it. I don't know, I just felt that by asking me so many questions makes me feel like you don't trust what I say. Furthermore, that makes me more upset. It totally sucks when some one you love doesn't fucking trust you.
I don't understand this. Yeah of course I know what I did is wrong but some how I don't think so. I mean I went out with my old flame but we are so over each other since like 4 years ago. I don't know why you have to get so weird, asking me lots of question about it. I don't know, I just felt that by asking me so many questions makes me feel like you don't trust what I say. Furthermore, that makes me more upset. It totally sucks when some one you love doesn't fucking trust you.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Few Things
There are a few things that are wrong in my life. Now I know being perfect is SO overrated. But little things are really wrong so I have to change it so make my life less unhealthy(:
1. I need to kick off this bad habit of eating instant noodles all the time. There are not health, well obviously. Furthermore is causes hair loss. Now I may not be seeing it now but I know slowly I am losing my hair. Now I don't have a lot of baby hair on my forehead. I use to have so much but now it's almost gone *gasp*. I need to cut down on the instant noodle eating, I use to eat it everyday when my maid wasn't around for a month and mum usually doesn't cook. So therefore the fastest ticket to counter my hunger is instant noodles. Which is now a bad idea. So now, I have to suppress myself from eating them too much. I think I would eat them twice a month. I know it's drastic way to change my unhealthy ways but I am trying to push myself.
2. I have got to cut down on the time I spend on the laptop. I use it the whole morning til about 2pm and at night from 10 to late night. Obviously that's too much. Ok, maybe I blame it on my boredom but some how I still think it's no excuse. So I have to cut is down. If I still want to use my laptop twice a day, then I should cut down on the hours of usage for both sessions. And once school starts, it's down to once a day. Slowly, I'll change it to 3 times a week but definitely I can use it on week ends. This will also help on the internet bills and my sleep time. Lesser usage at night means sleeping early which leads to more rest and get adjusted to normal school sleeping hours(: Yey me, I've plan it all out. Pool proof plan I hope.
3. Sleeping late in the night like 3 am in the morning and waking up at 11 or 12 noon. So start sleeping early, no matter how tempting it is to talk to my friends who just end at 11/12 at night and come online at 1 am. Well, since school is starting in less than a month, it is best to actually start sleeping early and get my body adjusted to it now then later when schooling. It's gonna be sucky.
4. Stop criticizing myself or others. Be happy with what's in me, the good stuff only, the bad ones can be change if I make the effort. So I must always smile cause smiling it best way to tell people you're approachable and it also makes me feel better. Honestly, when I look into the mirror and smile, I feel really good about myself, shows me that I do have confidence just that I'm scared to show it to the world. Even if Singaporeans are so bloody dull, who doesn't smile at you but only stare at you, it shouldn't put me down as it would make me be different. If I feel let down just cause people are so expressionless here then I would just the same. So make a difference.
5. I have to stop my lazy attitude. When I wake up, I must straight away clean up my room and make my bed. And my room does need a proper clean up! haha. I must shower straight after that, do all the little little things, make breakfat, then can I do the things I want(: Yes another pool proof plan. Starting from tomorrow, I must do my bed and bathe straight away. And I must learn to put my cups and plates away after eating, esp if it's in my room, HAHA.
1. I need to kick off this bad habit of eating instant noodles all the time. There are not health, well obviously. Furthermore is causes hair loss. Now I may not be seeing it now but I know slowly I am losing my hair. Now I don't have a lot of baby hair on my forehead. I use to have so much but now it's almost gone *gasp*. I need to cut down on the instant noodle eating, I use to eat it everyday when my maid wasn't around for a month and mum usually doesn't cook. So therefore the fastest ticket to counter my hunger is instant noodles. Which is now a bad idea. So now, I have to suppress myself from eating them too much. I think I would eat them twice a month. I know it's drastic way to change my unhealthy ways but I am trying to push myself.
2. I have got to cut down on the time I spend on the laptop. I use it the whole morning til about 2pm and at night from 10 to late night. Obviously that's too much. Ok, maybe I blame it on my boredom but some how I still think it's no excuse. So I have to cut is down. If I still want to use my laptop twice a day, then I should cut down on the hours of usage for both sessions. And once school starts, it's down to once a day. Slowly, I'll change it to 3 times a week but definitely I can use it on week ends. This will also help on the internet bills and my sleep time. Lesser usage at night means sleeping early which leads to more rest and get adjusted to normal school sleeping hours(: Yey me, I've plan it all out. Pool proof plan I hope.
3. Sleeping late in the night like 3 am in the morning and waking up at 11 or 12 noon. So start sleeping early, no matter how tempting it is to talk to my friends who just end at 11/12 at night and come online at 1 am. Well, since school is starting in less than a month, it is best to actually start sleeping early and get my body adjusted to it now then later when schooling. It's gonna be sucky.
4. Stop criticizing myself or others. Be happy with what's in me, the good stuff only, the bad ones can be change if I make the effort. So I must always smile cause smiling it best way to tell people you're approachable and it also makes me feel better. Honestly, when I look into the mirror and smile, I feel really good about myself, shows me that I do have confidence just that I'm scared to show it to the world. Even if Singaporeans are so bloody dull, who doesn't smile at you but only stare at you, it shouldn't put me down as it would make me be different. If I feel let down just cause people are so expressionless here then I would just the same. So make a difference.
5. I have to stop my lazy attitude. When I wake up, I must straight away clean up my room and make my bed. And my room does need a proper clean up! haha. I must shower straight after that, do all the little little things, make breakfat, then can I do the things I want(: Yes another pool proof plan. Starting from tomorrow, I must do my bed and bathe straight away. And I must learn to put my cups and plates away after eating, esp if it's in my room, HAHA.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Bubbles
In an exhibition I help to mend just now at the museum, I realize that bubbles can be portray as life and death. I mean those bubbles you blow? Get it? So anyway, yes, it's a simple interpretation. When you blow out the bubble, you are creating life and when the bubble pops, it's gone. Means death, means passing on, which is inevitable, don't you think so?
Some bubbles manage to grow really big, which kinda symbolizes a person fully grown but when the bubble pops, it means it is time. But some times when you blow bubbles, it doesn't come out big, it turns out small and then it pops shortly after. I interpret that as young children who pass away due to unforeseen circumstances. Same goes for babies, you know, some times your bubble doesn't even get to be blown up into bigger portions cause maybe you blew it too hard or there's not enough soap. There. Some babies die at birth which is the saddest part of all in life. But the move on into the light, be happy for them (:
Can't believe bubbles can give you so much interpretation..that's just about life and death. I still interpret the bubbles as about life. Good things don't last forever and we gotta work hard for it. I mean we blow as hard, as good as we can so that we create the perfect bubble and when we got it right, we're jumping for joy but it pops, we're sad. But that's the fact in life, if you put it into contexts. Good things like the bubble, won't last forever. That's why we gotta continue moving forward and try again(:
so many more interpretations but my energy is running low. i gtg now, ciao
Some bubbles manage to grow really big, which kinda symbolizes a person fully grown but when the bubble pops, it means it is time. But some times when you blow bubbles, it doesn't come out big, it turns out small and then it pops shortly after. I interpret that as young children who pass away due to unforeseen circumstances. Same goes for babies, you know, some times your bubble doesn't even get to be blown up into bigger portions cause maybe you blew it too hard or there's not enough soap. There. Some babies die at birth which is the saddest part of all in life. But the move on into the light, be happy for them (:
Can't believe bubbles can give you so much interpretation..that's just about life and death. I still interpret the bubbles as about life. Good things don't last forever and we gotta work hard for it. I mean we blow as hard, as good as we can so that we create the perfect bubble and when we got it right, we're jumping for joy but it pops, we're sad. But that's the fact in life, if you put it into contexts. Good things like the bubble, won't last forever. That's why we gotta continue moving forward and try again(:
so many more interpretations but my energy is running low. i gtg now, ciao
Friends are here to stay
After much thinking and drying up my delicate brain cells, I have given to my parents wants and that is to take up and A' Level cert. Yes that was after a long talk with my mum, thank god it's her, or else I would get to piss off and frustrated if it was dad who was helping me with my decisions.
So after the long decision making, I went online to do the application work but it sucked. Sucked like hell, cos I try to enter the application but it didn't work. It said my first choice course is not eligible for me. I'm like, hey got enough for the cut off points and the code is correct, so whats wrong?
Never mind, tmr I shall get down to it. I'm too piss off at the website. Anyway, this where our lives change. Friends would go separate ways, even if we were to be in the same path, we may not be the same like we use to. Our environment and surroundings is what that will affect our personality and mould us into an adult. Whether sensible or not. If some bother to make sure their frienship stays strong, I believe that we must make the most littlest effort to try and stay in contact. With different settings and different tasks asign to us in school and of course a different and bigger set of responsibilties, it is hard to keep in touch with old friends.
Some friends are worth keeping, like those who made a positive impact in your life when you were in secondary school. For those you dispise at heart but put on a mask in the surface, well, that shouldn't be kept contact. This is in my opinion. I also think, in new schools, we get new friends and its natural that you would want to hang out with your new friends cause you can now relate better to them due to many things in common. But if it was me, I would not want to neglect my old best pals because 4 years friendship in secondary school can really beat the 2 rushing years in junior college. I don't know, thats what I think or maybe some thing will happen and that it totally change my perspective 360 degrees. Lol.
I am leaving behind secondary school and heading to higher instituiton. New environment, new people. But my deep memories of the time I spent in school with friends, the ups and downs, laughter, tears and screams will not be forgtten. Cheeky jokes, high class spirits, gossip, these are the little, tiny memories that made my experience in my secondary school enjoyable, memorable and very precious that I can't bear to abolish it from my memory. The memories and life lessons are here to stay and forever will.
But when I head to my school, a new life, a breath of fresh air, new people, new challenges. I have to look forward and take a huge leap so that I won't be living in the past. That's not good cause the past is the past. Time stops for no one, so the only thing I can do is to go forward but that doesn't mean I will forget my past. Without my past, I won't be who I am now in the present and challenges and experience I faced now in the present will prepare me for what's coming in the future :) Thats life, live with it (can't believe I said that, gosh)
So after the long decision making, I went online to do the application work but it sucked. Sucked like hell, cos I try to enter the application but it didn't work. It said my first choice course is not eligible for me. I'm like, hey got enough for the cut off points and the code is correct, so whats wrong?
Never mind, tmr I shall get down to it. I'm too piss off at the website. Anyway, this where our lives change. Friends would go separate ways, even if we were to be in the same path, we may not be the same like we use to. Our environment and surroundings is what that will affect our personality and mould us into an adult. Whether sensible or not. If some bother to make sure their frienship stays strong, I believe that we must make the most littlest effort to try and stay in contact. With different settings and different tasks asign to us in school and of course a different and bigger set of responsibilties, it is hard to keep in touch with old friends.
Some friends are worth keeping, like those who made a positive impact in your life when you were in secondary school. For those you dispise at heart but put on a mask in the surface, well, that shouldn't be kept contact. This is in my opinion. I also think, in new schools, we get new friends and its natural that you would want to hang out with your new friends cause you can now relate better to them due to many things in common. But if it was me, I would not want to neglect my old best pals because 4 years friendship in secondary school can really beat the 2 rushing years in junior college. I don't know, thats what I think or maybe some thing will happen and that it totally change my perspective 360 degrees. Lol.
I am leaving behind secondary school and heading to higher instituiton. New environment, new people. But my deep memories of the time I spent in school with friends, the ups and downs, laughter, tears and screams will not be forgtten. Cheeky jokes, high class spirits, gossip, these are the little, tiny memories that made my experience in my secondary school enjoyable, memorable and very precious that I can't bear to abolish it from my memory. The memories and life lessons are here to stay and forever will.
But when I head to my school, a new life, a breath of fresh air, new people, new challenges. I have to look forward and take a huge leap so that I won't be living in the past. That's not good cause the past is the past. Time stops for no one, so the only thing I can do is to go forward but that doesn't mean I will forget my past. Without my past, I won't be who I am now in the present and challenges and experience I faced now in the present will prepare me for what's coming in the future :) Thats life, live with it (can't believe I said that, gosh)
Monday, January 12, 2009
People always get stuck in a dilemma, hmm wonder why?
Like I said, it's too good to be true. Kyle didn't treat me that same way he did the first time. Hah, well, ok maybe I was expecting a little too much? Maybe but oh well, he is still nice and that he still went through all the pain listening to me. Phft, whatever is it, we are still have casual conversations.
Moving on, I am getting my O' Level results later today. Now it's almost 10.30 and I'm getting it at 2 pm. I'm getting anxious already. I don't what the outcome would be like. Would I cry happy or cry sad?? Or would I just give a blank look? I pick the 3rd one, haha. I don't know. My parents would want me to get 20 points and below, that makes you go to a Junior College. But is that really what I want? To just satisfy my parents and not really think of what I want to do?
Well, I know what I want to do. I bloody well know that but it's just that I don't think my parents will allow me to do that. And Hafriz said, "Just rebel for once, dude." Cos it's my choice and my future. Oh man, now I'm stuck. Do I please my parents or do I follow my dreams? It's so hard cos when I argue with them, they get their way round, I don't know how they do it but they just do. Life isn't always that simple, Aiishah. Gotta fucking live with it.
So yes, after I got back my results, I must call dad, then mum, hmm, maybe mummy would be later cos she's a teacher too and that she would be doing the same thing as my teachers. Issueing out the results to her own student. So I can't called her right away. Next would be nenek! (a.ka. grandmother). She just called me few minutes ago and told me to call her when I get back my results and said good luck. My sister should be the one I call next. Then my seniors who have graduated from school. And lastly, meeting up with my friends and my juniors who be going around and asking people, how they did.
Right, I'm waiting for Scott right now. Bloody hell, promise me to get online at 10 and now he hasn't shown up. Thanks man, really appreciate that. Phft.
Moving on, I am getting my O' Level results later today. Now it's almost 10.30 and I'm getting it at 2 pm. I'm getting anxious already. I don't what the outcome would be like. Would I cry happy or cry sad?? Or would I just give a blank look? I pick the 3rd one, haha. I don't know. My parents would want me to get 20 points and below, that makes you go to a Junior College. But is that really what I want? To just satisfy my parents and not really think of what I want to do?
Well, I know what I want to do. I bloody well know that but it's just that I don't think my parents will allow me to do that. And Hafriz said, "Just rebel for once, dude." Cos it's my choice and my future. Oh man, now I'm stuck. Do I please my parents or do I follow my dreams? It's so hard cos when I argue with them, they get their way round, I don't know how they do it but they just do. Life isn't always that simple, Aiishah. Gotta fucking live with it.
So yes, after I got back my results, I must call dad, then mum, hmm, maybe mummy would be later cos she's a teacher too and that she would be doing the same thing as my teachers. Issueing out the results to her own student. So I can't called her right away. Next would be nenek! (a.ka. grandmother). She just called me few minutes ago and told me to call her when I get back my results and said good luck. My sister should be the one I call next. Then my seniors who have graduated from school. And lastly, meeting up with my friends and my juniors who be going around and asking people, how they did.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Life's Not Fair
People say life's not fair, live with it. Well I can't fucking live with it cause it's going to ruin my life forever!
I can't go to a school that gives me a diploma cause my parents think that I can't make it to a university there. They only think that a school which offers an A' Level course will. But I already know what I want to do. Why do I waste my time going to Junior College that won't help me in my university years? Why can't they allow me to be happy? I'm not happy to go to a fucking JC since I already know what I want to do. And I didn't purposely wanna go to a Polytechnic just to get a diploma just so I can go back to Australia. Bloody fuck, no, OK?
I'm doing that. I wanna go to a nursing course cause I know I like it, it's interesting caring for people and taking care of them. I don't get. Why can't they let me do what I want? I don't know what to say anymore. Nothing I do can change this. I don't know what to do. I don't to waste my time in a fucking JC. I don't want to do that
I can't go to a school that gives me a diploma cause my parents think that I can't make it to a university there. They only think that a school which offers an A' Level course will. But I already know what I want to do. Why do I waste my time going to Junior College that won't help me in my university years? Why can't they allow me to be happy? I'm not happy to go to a fucking JC since I already know what I want to do. And I didn't purposely wanna go to a Polytechnic just to get a diploma just so I can go back to Australia. Bloody fuck, no, OK?
I'm doing that. I wanna go to a nursing course cause I know I like it, it's interesting caring for people and taking care of them. I don't get. Why can't they let me do what I want? I don't know what to say anymore. Nothing I do can change this. I don't know what to do. I don't to waste my time in a fucking JC. I don't want to do that
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Whatcha think about that?
2009, January 8
What do I think about what?? Hmm, I don't know.
I love this song by Pussycat Dolls featuring Missy Elliot, Whatcha Think About That. So an all girl power song man. Oh yeah, uh huh.
(Ladies)
So if your dude aint actin right, you tell that dude he got to go,
If that dude be clamin that he broke, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants you to stay in the house everyday and night, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants to run the streets, Then you run the streets to and you tell him he got to go
Baby, Baby somebody's gonna cry tonight,
Baby (baby), Baby (baby), but it won't be my tears tonight
(Lets go!)
So whatcha think about that,
whatcha think about it,
So whatcha think about that, that, that (oh baby)
Yeap, I love this song. I don't think I want another relationship even if the person is some where far away. It sucks, ok maybe to my friends it does not but for now, to moi, it does. It sucks big time. I have been through 4 relationships and all of it sucks, so why doesn't it get into my head that relationships are sucky?? You tell me, haha. I'm arguing with myself again. Funny. You can argue with yourself, LOL. Of course you can, because there is always two sides of the story. The black and the white and of course there's sometimes the grey(:
Oh well, that doesn't mean I don't wanna get to know and meet other guys. Ok, dates would be fine but I won't go into a relationship, I guess. Yeah, I say this but in the end, I'm gonna end up in a relationship =.= (see this is what I mean, two sides of the story, arguing with myself) sheesh.
So whatcha think about that? Whatcha think about it??
What do I think about what?? Hmm, I don't know.
I love this song by Pussycat Dolls featuring Missy Elliot, Whatcha Think About That. So an all girl power song man. Oh yeah, uh huh.
(Ladies)
So if your dude aint actin right, you tell that dude he got to go,
If that dude be clamin that he broke, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants you to stay in the house everyday and night, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants to run the streets, Then you run the streets to and you tell him he got to go
Baby, Baby somebody's gonna cry tonight,
Baby (baby), Baby (baby), but it won't be my tears tonight
(Lets go!)
So whatcha think about that,
whatcha think about it,
So whatcha think about that, that, that (oh baby)
Yeap, I love this song. I don't think I want another relationship even if the person is some where far away. It sucks, ok maybe to my friends it does not but for now, to moi, it does. It sucks big time. I have been through 4 relationships and all of it sucks, so why doesn't it get into my head that relationships are sucky?? You tell me, haha. I'm arguing with myself again. Funny. You can argue with yourself, LOL. Of course you can, because there is always two sides of the story. The black and the white and of course there's sometimes the grey(:
Oh well, that doesn't mean I don't wanna get to know and meet other guys. Ok, dates would be fine but I won't go into a relationship, I guess. Yeah, I say this but in the end, I'm gonna end up in a relationship =.= (see this is what I mean, two sides of the story, arguing with myself) sheesh.
So whatcha think about that? Whatcha think about it??
Too Good To Be true
2009, january 7
7 days gone, things come and go. I started 2009 with a few shockers.
1. two of my friends starting smoking, eh actually, one only. the other started smoking way back and kept it a secret for a long time. Shahirah, who just started smoking, out fo boredom (what a dumb thing to start for) was faking it. She didn't even inhale the smoke. Bloody hell, if you wanna smoke then smoke it properly, if you're faking it then don't waste your fucking money on that fucking thing. While Hafriz started smoking ages ago, I was in total shocked that he kept it a secret for a long while and all this while, we didn't even suspect anything cos he didn't even look like he smoked. God, oh well, what to do. I don't know why I feel bias towards Hafriz. Ok, maybe one, cause he is very close with his cousins and some of them do smoke and family easily influence you. But as for Shahirah, it's no fucking excuse to smoke just because you're bored and what more you're not smoking it properly, ugh! Whatever, leave it. Ranting about this thing is just wasting my energy. I told myself, New Year, I'm not going to bother about this kind of ppl.
2. I finally have the courage to tell Cristian that we're off. Finally have the courage of not worrying on what's gonna happen next because that's one of my resolutions, well yeah this is one of my resolutions, that is not to worry so much any more(: Just live my life and that's what I'm doing, no regrets on what I'm doing and always look on the positive side(: Throw away the bad stuff, don't even think about it and look forward.
3. I met a new friend, online, yeah while playing pool. Kyle, he said was his name, from California and he's 18. What shocked me was he was sssoo Hot and very sweet and romantic. He could make my heart melt, seriously. I told my friends and yeap they have the reaction as me. But we all had another reaction to it, is it too good to be true? C'mon it's online anything can happen to anyone. It can be lie, esp his picture and maybe he's being romantic to me cos he thinks I'm just cute? yeah, maybe.I'll just have to be very careful. Cos I've only talked to him once, 1, uno, satu, one time. And haven't spoken to him since Sunday morning. But the fucking problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I guess its natural that I feel that way? Cos I enjoy talking to him. Funny, very confident and that makes him so sexy. I have to be strong and not be fooled by him, if he's gonna lie to me. As for now, I just wish he could come online so I get to talked to him again.
Yeah, those were the few shockers in my life for the started of the year. Still OK, not so bad, ay?
7 days gone, things come and go. I started 2009 with a few shockers.
1. two of my friends starting smoking, eh actually, one only. the other started smoking way back and kept it a secret for a long time. Shahirah, who just started smoking, out fo boredom (what a dumb thing to start for) was faking it. She didn't even inhale the smoke. Bloody hell, if you wanna smoke then smoke it properly, if you're faking it then don't waste your fucking money on that fucking thing. While Hafriz started smoking ages ago, I was in total shocked that he kept it a secret for a long while and all this while, we didn't even suspect anything cos he didn't even look like he smoked. God, oh well, what to do. I don't know why I feel bias towards Hafriz. Ok, maybe one, cause he is very close with his cousins and some of them do smoke and family easily influence you. But as for Shahirah, it's no fucking excuse to smoke just because you're bored and what more you're not smoking it properly, ugh! Whatever, leave it. Ranting about this thing is just wasting my energy. I told myself, New Year, I'm not going to bother about this kind of ppl.
2. I finally have the courage to tell Cristian that we're off. Finally have the courage of not worrying on what's gonna happen next because that's one of my resolutions, well yeah this is one of my resolutions, that is not to worry so much any more(: Just live my life and that's what I'm doing, no regrets on what I'm doing and always look on the positive side(: Throw away the bad stuff, don't even think about it and look forward.
3. I met a new friend, online, yeah while playing pool. Kyle, he said was his name, from California and he's 18. What shocked me was he was sssoo Hot and very sweet and romantic. He could make my heart melt, seriously. I told my friends and yeap they have the reaction as me. But we all had another reaction to it, is it too good to be true? C'mon it's online anything can happen to anyone. It can be lie, esp his picture and maybe he's being romantic to me cos he thinks I'm just cute? yeah, maybe.I'll just have to be very careful. Cos I've only talked to him once, 1, uno, satu, one time. And haven't spoken to him since Sunday morning. But the fucking problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I guess its natural that I feel that way? Cos I enjoy talking to him. Funny, very confident and that makes him so sexy. I have to be strong and not be fooled by him, if he's gonna lie to me. As for now, I just wish he could come online so I get to talked to him again.
Yeah, those were the few shockers in my life for the started of the year. Still OK, not so bad, ay?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Looking forward
Ok, i better say this, do it and maintain this. Some one smack me if I don't, alright? Cos I was asking my sis whats her new year resolution. And yeah she gave me a few and I told her mine. The first thing I told her was, I wanna move on. She knows and this bloody diary knows what I mean. I am tired of this. I don't wanna cry every night any more. Its so tiring. And changing this habit isn't going to come in the click of the finger, I may cry again after I post this but I will slowly change my ways. I have to let it go, I can't be living in the pass. It hurts, it is hard to do and I don't know what will happen to me after that.
But one celebrity once said, I think it was Leanne Rimes. She said something like, "Fear can hold you back from so many wonderful things in life, so I make myself go for things I'm afraid of. Worry aferwards".
Well, what am I afraid of? Well you know, losing the one I love but I figure I have to lose him so that we won't hurt each other anymore (whenever I say this, I cry). So now just let it go and worry what will happen next after I have manage to let Him go. Though he is dearly missed:(
Friday, January 2, 2009
I'm terrified
who isn't afraid of losing the ones you love? not me. I am very terrified of losing this one person I truly love. But since I know that, why do I keep hurting him? Why? What's wrong with me?
I don't wanna lose you, I am terrified of losing you. I feel devastated w/out you. I can't bear to let you go :(( i hope this new year will change things
I don't wanna lose you, I am terrified of losing you. I feel devastated w/out you. I can't bear to let you go :(( i hope this new year will change things
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy New Year
Well, I'm back from Perth, Australia. I miss it already. I know why I miss Perth and yearn so much to live and study there. Well cause it's so different from Singapore. At first, I didn't like it cause of the difference but I've learn to love it. And people can't change that feeling. No matter what. I don't understand why my sister and my mum are somewhat against it. Yeah I know I kept comparing Perth to Singapore. But that's because it's so different. Total OPPOSITE of this small, rushing city. I feel so relax while I was in Perth. No rush, no worries. And I was interested in this job my relative was working. Like a community nurse, where you go to the client's house and takecare of them, or check on them. And my aunt said it's a good job cos the client will feel comfortable cos they are in the comfort of their own home. That's good isn't it? I don't know. I love Perth, I promise myself that I will come back. I will find a job, get work and save up money to head back to Perth. Maybe 1500 bucks is enough? I don't know. I'll save what I can and then head to Perth. Mum don't worry about the money.
Oh yes, Happy New Year everybody. I don't whether I'll love 2009 at all. Seems like a recession year to me and nothing much but that
Oh yes, Happy New Year everybody. I don't whether I'll love 2009 at all. Seems like a recession year to me and nothing much but that
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