cross roads.

it's been a while since i've posted somethings. alot has happen to me in just a span of two weeks. ya know all the sudden cristian just msg me and asked hey what up, long time no talk, whts up in ur life, what have i missed? (omg, i could remember every single thing he said) oh well, yeah, i thought i would have the shocked and tingle-y feeling inside of me but instead all i felt was emptiness and surprised. yeah that was wht i felt and my face totally changed from happy cheerie me to a blank empty stoney look. my friend ask me whats wrong, and i couldnt put it in words to tell her how i feel.

i mean the story goes like, im so in love with scott right now and i finally sought the energy, the effort to put you away in my thoughts and i did. i dont have the painful feeling in my heart anymore. and when i look back i realise i cant vision myself with you, living together in the future. i'm the kind of person who loves long term relationships. i mean i dont like playing around, i wanna stay with tht person for as long as we can. but i suddenly realise tht wouldnt happen with cristian. so when he repiled me, i feel like, omg what am i gonna do? and the way he msg me was like nothing happen btwn us before. like he doesnt acknowledge me that i was once his girl. but go to hell, i decided to let it be, if he doesnt want me anymore, then fine, his fucking lost.

but right now at this very moment, im also having doubts with myself. i mean sometimes i ponder, about whts going on between me and scott, is it too good to be true??? i mean im a very skeptical person, i dont know realise i have something good in my hands before its gone. thats my problem. thts wht happen btwn me and C, when we were so close to breaking up. we were really cool together, i realise i love him alot and whenever he said i love you, my heart melts just like that. i guess it shows tht he loves me. but right now, he's gone and doesnt bother about me any more. i guess his defination of love and mine are in parallels, i mean it doesnt meet and will never meet anymore.

so moving on, my best friend is envious of us being together, we're the super cute, disgustingly romantic couple that loves each other til death. well, i love that too. i love to soak him with my love but the feeling isnt the same as the feeling i had with C. maybe cos different ppl, its felt differently :) i hope so. i have to stop diverging to C, its getting annoying! ok where was i?

yes, Scott, i mean he promise me he will come to Singapore, to meet but every time i bring up the subject, he tells me i'll try my very best darling. i know he doesnt want to keep my hopes up but he's already bringing it down for me. i feel so scared now. im scared that i dont have the patience to wait. and im hating myself for tht. he's so patient with me, why cant i be like that???
i want him so bad til it makes me cry. i dont want us to break apart neither do i want him to feel that im so clingy and dont give him space. i wanna be brutally honest with him but its just hard to tell him. :(( wht am i gonna do?