So many misses

But just one person.

I'm gonna miss baby once I've start school. I can't stay up late at night any more next week. I'm not ready for school. I want you with me, by my side all the time. I don't want us to go to school, lol. But that dream won't turn into a reality unless it's pleasantville and you control it. I don't wanna go to school and I want baby to come here asap! I know I act like a baby, esp ytd when I felt so down and all I want is to talk to baby but he has school. Just wish he could skip it for me, grrr. See how baby-ish I am and I'm already 16, grow up will ya?

And then he promise to get online in school and so he did. But before that I was so grumpy, I kinda spat back at him unintentionally. I'm really sorry for that. These days things are going so crazy and I don't undestand my emotions. And it's horrible. Honestly I dont want to start my new school, even though I have companies there and I am comfortable with them. I just wanna go home and snuggle in bed and dream that am I in wonderland with baby. God, fuck it man. First I can't wait for school, now I hate school even w/out stepping into school. What the hell man?!? Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!

And now i miss you so fucking badly, our little time together isn't enough but a friend taught me we shouldn't be greedy or else we would be punish but i cant help to ask for more cos i really feel time never gave us enough compared to others. couples can call their lovers now in the middle of the night and ask for company. Ask for comfort, hearing their voices will soothe them but I cant feel that, which sucks big time. I would give anything to be with baby now. i really would. I should be contented, should be happy tht i do have a boy loving me with all his heart :)

Hiippie

Hey sid, im not in that much pain ya knw not always anw.

ok thats besides the point for now. i wrote thing, i dont know if its a poem or just something else.
here goes:

I don't wanna think of any bad memories or any thing bad.
though bad memories are really nothing when you look back at them.
you just remember how silly there were back then and we would just laugh it off.
I can't wait to be with the one I truly love.
I can't hang on for another minute w/out being in your arms.
I feel safe and protect and I feel that no one would hurt cos you're there protecting me.
It's a great feeling to feel, such a warm soulful feeling that its hard to explain.
Like an angel watching over but you're more than that.
You are everything to me.

Though I say I won't think of the negatives,
Some how I do. I realize what is going on.
At first, I don't sense what you're feeling.
I mean, you're so full of it and i am not.
i don't knw why. but now i do cause i figured
the more u are further away frm me,
the more i yearn for you. i more terrified i am
of losing you.

it's not just a saying
to be shrugged off.
any thing can happen and we don't see it coming
i want to cherish every single minute we have with each other
cos time
won't wait for any thing. time is a bitch actually.

when i am sad, i can this warmth
and i knw its you.
you're in my heart and mind.
always guiding me through,
always making me smile with our little moments.
memories they are, just memories...
but when do i get to be with you?

brown turn to green
and i turn away when i see two people loving each other
enjoy and relishing their own moment.
i want to be happy but i can't
but i also cant also turn into a green monster
thats not the way darling would want me to be.
loves

- crappy but it's a try(:

Materialistic much??

I realize that this era, people are so much more materialistic that ever, I don't know. Now, not only the rich opt for brands and labels, everybody opt for it even though they don't have the money.

I am one of them, I won't lie. Yes I opt for labels too but the more i go on about it, the more i get tired cause idk, i realize that every one will compete to get the best, the latest the most expensive or the unique bag. Isn't it tiring? A Gucci wallet is the same as any wallet just that it has unique designs, different material, the brand and made in China or Taiwan. After that it would cost few hundreds or tohusands of dollars. But the shape of the fucking wallet is the same as any other ordinary wallet. So what's with branded labels?

For me honestly, I would do that. I am very skeptical about people esp with their branded goods. I would be thinking is that fake or real? Then I would look at the person and see if the person can the afford it. OMG, what a bitch I am. Why I bother soo much whether the person got that Gucci bag for real or at a flea market? Maybe cos I get green eyed easily so thats why. I want the Gucci, Chanel, Dior, Louis Vuitton, Yves Saint Lauren and Docle and Gabanna. Omg, but I know I can't afford it cos I want the original only.

However, I came to terms that I can't afford these luxury and it doesn't make me happy at all. So I've decided to be contended with myself and what I have. I'll buy what I want if I have the money and if I don't, I'll save up get em :) Luxury isn't a big deal actually, I just wish people could get that in their head.

Am I in pain?

Good question mate, I am in pain? I don't really know. I know that I'm upset and that makes me worry like crazy. And I did move on, its just that I referring to another person I know.

But problem solve so I am OK now. Yeah, just for now :) I am picking up the pieces. Or maybe I am suppose to be in pain. Ouch that's pessimistic much, what the hell am I talking about? Why do I have to make myself miserable?? I don't know. Funny, how can I not know??

I'm a coward

I feel like a coward, a bitch and that sucks. I wanna tell you things that is a pressing issue for me but every time when the chance come, I let it pass. Why? Because whenever we are together you are so happy, delighted and excited to be with me and that makes it hard for me to bring up the issue I wanna tell you.

Even if I came round to tell ya, you wouldn't understand. Even if I tried to explain to ya, you wouldn't get it and you will always find your way around to reassure me and make things ok. But what's been bothering me is not Ok, if you don't understand my religion or even respect me.

Also on the other hand, I am afraid to let this worry out cause, I am afraid you would leave me. You can't leave. We just got together and I can't suffer another heartache. It's too painful. If it happens, I'm going to deprive myself of a relationship and dating guys. Just when I thought everything were going fine, it goes the other way round. I can't fulfill you desire while I take the fall of bringing down my family's name. Even though one day you would be a loved one, you're still not a loved one now and I gotta sacrifice you but I'm scared to do it and I'm even scared to tell you. See I'm like posting it on my bloody fucking blog. Like what the hell is this? ==

It's getting pathetic but at least I feel that it helps me prepare

Torn apat again

I've torn apart before and I'm torn apart now.
My mum was telling stories about my religion, Islam and the little little things we can and cannot do in Islam. The more she went on, the more I keep thinking of you and me. I feel I can't go on like this because you're asking me something that I can't bear to do. It would break my parents heart and it would cost me dearly. It would give me a huge sin that I don't know how to ask for forgiveness from both my parents and the One up there.

Obviously, I am torn apart between religion and love. It's cause we're so different that's why its so complicated and so confusing to explain. I am brought in a conservative way and you're free to do whatever you want or desire. I can't fulfill you're desire cause I realize its against my religion. Yeah I know I'm not that pious but after what my mum told me, I realize what a sin I'm committing. My mum didn't intentionally brought up the topic on religion, we were talking about her students and how she gave little talks on religion cause they do not know anything about Islam even though they are Muslims. I feel so at lost right now. I can't bear losing you but I also can't bear the shame, disappointment from my parents and the huge sin if committed.

Needy

If anybody see Scott, please tell me. I miss him dearly :(

You might think I'm crazy right now, but I'm not. I haven't talked to him for a day and it's killing me. Yeah say it I'm insane but I'm insanely in love. Omg, what's going on with me? :(

I want a hug from him and big, tight squeeze. I miss my sweetheart. I want to be in his arms, so bad.

Anger won't work

Yeah anger doesn't but I'm so angry I don't know what to. I haven't heard from you for a day. Yup, I know, thats ridiculous but it never was like this before. I mean, you always message me. What happen? Damn it, I'm so angry right now. Ugh.

I don't understand this. Yeah of course I know what I did is wrong but some how I don't think so. I mean I went out with my old flame but we are so over each other since like 4 years ago. I don't know why you have to get so weird, asking me lots of question about it. I don't know, I just felt that by asking me so many questions makes me feel like you don't trust what I say. Furthermore, that makes me more upset. It totally sucks when some one you love doesn't fucking trust you.

Few Things

There are a few things that are wrong in my life. Now I know being perfect is SO overrated. But little things are really wrong so I have to change it so make my life less unhealthy(:

1. I need to kick off this bad habit of eating instant noodles all the time. There are not health, well obviously. Furthermore is causes hair loss. Now I may not be seeing it now but I know slowly I am losing my hair. Now I don't have a lot of baby hair on my forehead. I use to have so much but now it's almost gone *gasp*. I need to cut down on the instant noodle eating, I use to eat it everyday when my maid wasn't around for a month and mum usually doesn't cook. So therefore the fastest ticket to counter my hunger is instant noodles. Which is now a bad idea. So now, I have to suppress myself from eating them too much. I think I would eat them twice a month. I know it's drastic way to change my unhealthy ways but I am trying to push myself.

2. I have got to cut down on the time I spend on the laptop. I use it the whole morning til about 2pm and at night from 10 to late night. Obviously that's too much. Ok, maybe I blame it on my boredom but some how I still think it's no excuse. So I have to cut is down. If I still want to use my laptop twice a day, then I should cut down on the hours of usage for both sessions. And once school starts, it's down to once a day. Slowly, I'll change it to 3 times a week but definitely I can use it on week ends. This will also help on the internet bills and my sleep time. Lesser usage at night means sleeping early which leads to more rest and get adjusted to normal school sleeping hours(: Yey me, I've plan it all out. Pool proof plan I hope.

3. Sleeping late in the night like 3 am in the morning and waking up at 11 or 12 noon. So start sleeping early, no matter how tempting it is to talk to my friends who just end at 11/12 at night and come online at 1 am. Well, since school is starting in less than a month, it is best to actually start sleeping early and get my body adjusted to it now then later when schooling. It's gonna be sucky.

4. Stop criticizing myself or others. Be happy with what's in me, the good stuff only, the bad ones can be change if I make the effort. So I must always smile cause smiling it best way to tell people you're approachable and it also makes me feel better. Honestly, when I look into the mirror and smile, I feel really good about myself, shows me that I do have confidence just that I'm scared to show it to the world. Even if Singaporeans are so bloody dull, who doesn't smile at you but only stare at you, it shouldn't put me down as it would make me be different. If I feel let down just cause people are so expressionless here then I would just the same. So make a difference.

5. I have to stop my lazy attitude. When I wake up, I must straight away clean up my room and make my bed. And my room does need a proper clean up! haha. I must shower straight after that, do all the little little things, make breakfat, then can I do the things I want(: Yes another pool proof plan. Starting from tomorrow, I must do my bed and bathe straight away. And I must learn to put my cups and plates away after eating, esp if it's in my room, HAHA.

Bubbles

In an exhibition I help to mend just now at the museum, I realize that bubbles can be portray as life and death. I mean those bubbles you blow? Get it? So anyway, yes, it's a simple interpretation. When you blow out the bubble, you are creating life and when the bubble pops, it's gone. Means death, means passing on, which is inevitable, don't you think so?

Some bubbles manage to grow really big, which kinda symbolizes a person fully grown but when the bubble pops, it means it is time. But some times when you blow bubbles, it doesn't come out big, it turns out small and then it pops shortly after. I interpret that as young children who pass away due to unforeseen circumstances. Same goes for babies, you know, some times your bubble doesn't even get to be blown up into bigger portions cause maybe you blew it too hard or there's not enough soap. There. Some babies die at birth which is the saddest part of all in life. But the move on into the light, be happy for them (:

Can't believe bubbles can give you so much interpretation..that's just about life and death. I still interpret the bubbles as about life. Good things don't last forever and we gotta work hard for it. I mean we blow as hard, as good as we can so that we create the perfect bubble and when we got it right, we're jumping for joy but it pops, we're sad. But that's the fact in life, if you put it into contexts. Good things like the bubble, won't last forever. That's why we gotta continue moving forward and try again(:

so many more interpretations but my energy is running low. i gtg now, ciao

Friends are here to stay

After much thinking and drying up my delicate brain cells, I have given to my parents wants and that is to take up and A' Level cert. Yes that was after a long talk with my mum, thank god it's her, or else I would get to piss off and frustrated if it was dad who was helping me with my decisions.

So after the long decision making, I went online to do the application work but it sucked. Sucked like hell, cos I try to enter the application but it didn't work. It said my first choice course is not eligible for me. I'm like, hey got enough for the cut off points and the code is correct, so whats wrong?

Never mind, tmr I shall get down to it. I'm too piss off at the website. Anyway, this where our lives change. Friends would go separate ways, even if we were to be in the same path, we may not be the same like we use to. Our environment and surroundings is what that will affect our personality and mould us into an adult. Whether sensible or not. If some bother to make sure their frienship stays strong, I believe that we must make the most littlest effort to try and stay in contact. With different settings and different tasks asign to us in school and of course a different and bigger set of responsibilties, it is hard to keep in touch with old friends.

Some friends are worth keeping, like those who made a positive impact in your life when you were in secondary school. For those you dispise at heart but put on a mask in the surface, well, that shouldn't be kept contact. This is in my opinion. I also think, in new schools, we get new friends and its natural that you would want to hang out with your new friends cause you can now relate better to them due to many things in common. But if it was me, I would not want to neglect my old best pals because 4 years friendship in secondary school can really beat the 2 rushing years in junior college. I don't know, thats what I think or maybe some thing will happen and that it totally change my perspective 360 degrees. Lol.

I am leaving behind secondary school and heading to higher instituiton. New environment, new people. But my deep memories of the time I spent in school with friends, the ups and downs, laughter, tears and screams will not be forgtten. Cheeky jokes, high class spirits, gossip, these are the little, tiny memories that made my experience in my secondary school enjoyable, memorable and very precious that I can't bear to abolish it from my memory. The memories and life lessons are here to stay and forever will.

But when I head to my school, a new life, a breath of fresh air, new people, new challenges. I have to look forward and take a huge leap so that I won't be living in the past. That's not good cause the past is the past. Time stops for no one, so the only thing I can do is to go forward but that doesn't mean I will forget my past. Without my past, I won't be who I am now in the present and challenges and experience I faced now in the present will prepare me for what's coming in the future :) Thats life, live with it (can't believe I said that, gosh)

People always get stuck in a dilemma, hmm wonder why?

Like I said, it's too good to be true. Kyle didn't treat me that same way he did the first time. Hah, well, ok maybe I was expecting a little too much? Maybe but oh well, he is still nice and that he still went through all the pain listening to me. Phft, whatever is it, we are still have casual conversations.

Moving on, I am getting my O' Level results later today. Now it's almost 10.30 and I'm getting it at 2 pm. I'm getting anxious already. I don't what the outcome would be like. Would I cry happy or cry sad?? Or would I just give a blank look? I pick the 3rd one, haha. I don't know. My parents would want me to get 20 points and below, that makes you go to a Junior College. But is that really what I want? To just satisfy my parents and not really think of what I want to do?

Well, I know what I want to do. I bloody well know that but it's just that I don't think my parents will allow me to do that. And Hafriz said, "Just rebel for once, dude." Cos it's my choice and my future. Oh man, now I'm stuck. Do I please my parents or do I follow my dreams? It's so hard cos when I argue with them, they get their way round, I don't know how they do it but they just do. Life isn't always that simple, Aiishah. Gotta fucking live with it.

So yes, after I got back my results, I must call dad, then mum, hmm, maybe mummy would be later cos she's a teacher too and that she would be doing the same thing as my teachers. Issueing out the results to her own student. So I can't called her right away. Next would be nenek! (a.ka. grandmother). She just called me few minutes ago and told me to call her when I get back my results and said good luck. My sister should be the one I call next. Then my seniors who have graduated from school. And lastly, meeting up with my friends and my juniors who be going around and asking people, how they did.

Right, I'm waiting for Scott right now. Bloody hell, promise me to get online at 10 and now he hasn't shown up. Thanks man, really appreciate that. Phft.

Life's Not Fair

People say life's not fair, live with it. Well I can't fucking live with it cause it's going to ruin my life forever!

I can't go to a school that gives me a diploma cause my parents think that I can't make it to a university there. They only think that a school which offers an A' Level course will. But I already know what I want to do. Why do I waste my time going to Junior College that won't help me in my university years? Why can't they allow me to be happy? I'm not happy to go to a fucking JC since I already know what I want to do. And I didn't purposely wanna go to a Polytechnic just to get a diploma just so I can go back to Australia. Bloody fuck, no, OK?

I'm doing that. I wanna go to a nursing course cause I know I like it, it's interesting caring for people and taking care of them. I don't get. Why can't they let me do what I want? I don't know what to say anymore. Nothing I do can change this. I don't know what to do. I don't to waste my time in a fucking JC. I don't want to do that

Whatcha think about that?

2009, January 8

What do I think about what?? Hmm, I don't know.

I love this song by Pussycat Dolls featuring Missy Elliot, Whatcha Think About That. So an all girl power song man. Oh yeah, uh huh.

(Ladies)
So if your dude aint actin right, you tell that dude he got to go,
If that dude be clamin that he broke, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants you to stay in the house everyday and night, you tell that dude he got to go
If he wants to run the streets, Then you run the streets to and you tell him he got to go

Baby, Baby somebody's gonna cry tonight,
Baby (baby), Baby (baby), but it won't be my tears tonight
(Lets go!)
So whatcha think about that,
whatcha think about it,
So whatcha think about that, that, that (oh baby)

Yeap, I love this song. I don't think I want another relationship even if the person is some where far away. It sucks, ok maybe to my friends it does not but for now, to moi, it does. It sucks big time. I have been through 4 relationships and all of it sucks, so why doesn't it get into my head that relationships are sucky?? You tell me, haha. I'm arguing with myself again. Funny. You can argue with yourself, LOL. Of course you can, because there is always two sides of the story. The black and the white and of course there's sometimes the grey(:

Oh well, that doesn't mean I don't wanna get to know and meet other guys. Ok, dates would be fine but I won't go into a relationship, I guess. Yeah, I say this but in the end, I'm gonna end up in a relationship =.= (see this is what I mean, two sides of the story, arguing with myself) sheesh.

So whatcha think about that? Whatcha think about it??

Too Good To Be true

2009, january 7

7 days gone, things come and go. I started 2009 with a few shockers.

1. two of my friends starting smoking, eh actually, one only. the other started smoking way back and kept it a secret for a long time. Shahirah, who just started smoking, out fo boredom (what a dumb thing to start for) was faking it. She didn't even inhale the smoke. Bloody hell, if you wanna smoke then smoke it properly, if you're faking it then don't waste your fucking money on that fucking thing. While Hafriz started smoking ages ago, I was in total shocked that he kept it a secret for a long while and all this while, we didn't even suspect anything cos he didn't even look like he smoked. God, oh well, what to do. I don't know why I feel bias towards Hafriz. Ok, maybe one, cause he is very close with his cousins and some of them do smoke and family easily influence you. But as for Shahirah, it's no fucking excuse to smoke just because you're bored and what more you're not smoking it properly, ugh! Whatever, leave it. Ranting about this thing is just wasting my energy. I told myself, New Year, I'm not going to bother about this kind of ppl.

2. I finally have the courage to tell Cristian that we're off. Finally have the courage of not worrying on what's gonna happen next because that's one of my resolutions, well yeah this is one of my resolutions, that is not to worry so much any more(: Just live my life and that's what I'm doing, no regrets on what I'm doing and always look on the positive side(: Throw away the bad stuff, don't even think about it and look forward.

3. I met a new friend, online, yeah while playing pool. Kyle, he said was his name, from California and he's 18. What shocked me was he was sssoo Hot and very sweet and romantic. He could make my heart melt, seriously. I told my friends and yeap they have the reaction as me. But we all had another reaction to it, is it too good to be true? C'mon it's online anything can happen to anyone. It can be lie, esp his picture and maybe he's being romantic to me cos he thinks I'm just cute? yeah, maybe.I'll just have to be very careful. Cos I've only talked to him once, 1, uno, satu, one time. And haven't spoken to him since Sunday morning. But the fucking problem is, I can't stop thinking about him. I guess its natural that I feel that way? Cos I enjoy talking to him. Funny, very confident and that makes him so sexy. I have to be strong and not be fooled by him, if he's gonna lie to me. As for now, I just wish he could come online so I get to talked to him again.

Yeah, those were the few shockers in my life for the started of the year. Still OK, not so bad, ay?

Looking forward

Ok, i better say this, do it and maintain this. Some one smack me if I don't, alright? Cos I was asking my sis whats her new year resolution. And yeah she gave me a few and I told her mine. The first thing I told her was, I wanna move on. She knows and this bloody diary knows what I mean. I am tired of this. I don't wanna cry every night any more. Its so tiring. And changing this habit isn't going to come in the click of the finger, I may cry again after I post this but I will slowly change my ways. I have to let it go, I can't be living in the pass. It hurts, it is hard to do and I don't know what will happen to me after that.

But one celebrity once said, I think it was Leanne Rimes. She said something like, "Fear can hold you back from so many wonderful things in life, so I make myself go for things I'm afraid of. Worry aferwards".

Well, what am I afraid of? Well you know, losing the one I love but I figure I have to lose him so that we won't hurt each other anymore (whenever I say this, I cry). So now just let it go and worry what will happen next after I have manage to let Him go. Though he is dearly missed:(

I'm terrified

who isn't afraid of losing the ones you love? not me. I am very terrified of losing this one person I truly love. But since I know that, why do I keep hurting him? Why? What's wrong with me?

I don't wanna lose you, I am terrified of losing you. I feel devastated w/out you. I can't bear to let you go :(( i hope this new year will change things

Happy New Year

Well, I'm back from Perth, Australia. I miss it already. I know why I miss Perth and yearn so much to live and study there. Well cause it's so different from Singapore. At first, I didn't like it cause of the difference but I've learn to love it. And people can't change that feeling. No matter what. I don't understand why my sister and my mum are somewhat against it. Yeah I know I kept comparing Perth to Singapore. But that's because it's so different. Total OPPOSITE of this small, rushing city. I feel so relax while I was in Perth. No rush, no worries. And I was interested in this job my relative was working. Like a community nurse, where you go to the client's house and takecare of them, or check on them. And my aunt said it's a good job cos the client will feel comfortable cos they are in the comfort of their own home. That's good isn't it? I don't know. I love Perth, I promise myself that I will come back. I will find a job, get work and save up money to head back to Perth. Maybe 1500 bucks is enough? I don't know. I'll save what I can and then head to Perth. Mum don't worry about the money.

Oh yes, Happy New Year everybody. I don't whether I'll love 2009 at all. Seems like a recession year to me and nothing much but that