i'm scared

i am torn apart, obviously. i was so bored, i counted back the days when i last talk to my baby. and that was only 2 weeks ago. and i'm like what?? it felt like for ages. being so far away from baby, not talking to him for so long, leaving him messages but he didn't response. i mean don't get me wrong, i know he is busy, his finals is next week, and he wants to graduate so this final exams means alot to him. yes obviously. but i'm so scared, like really really afraid that my feelings for him will fade. omg, i don't know what to do if that happens. i am so going to break his heart. i feel like an idiot, like a heartbreaker. i mean c'mon seriously, these things can happen because we're long distance. and it is so so difficult and i don't know what to do.

for the 2 weeks, yes my mind is off thinking about baby. i'm trying so hard not to cos i know i will feel so so depressed and sad that it would end up hurting me. And at the same time, i realised that in this relationship, all i ever did was to hurt my darling, mi amor(: i feel like a monster. how could you bare to hurt someone you love so badly? someone who loves you so much? its not fair right?? i told cristian tht i hated him, and it's not just once. told him that alot of times and after comes the part where 'i wanna break up with you'. this cycle went on once in awhile. i realise tht it only when on when he's not around and when i want to get his attention. i feel like a bitch right now, i swear. i don't know what to do, i don't want to hurt anymore than i have.

its also because, i have cheated on him once and that person was a fucking jerk and bastard. i hope you die in hell :) yeah how stupid was i to fall for him, what an idiot. it was my fault too, know i already have a boyfriend and i still went along with this idiot, how naive can i get. i will hate this guy forever, won't forgive him til the day he dies, or the day i die. ok, that was really harsh but i can't help it. idk, maybe one day, i will eventually forgive him indirectly or something, whatever. i was lucky that cristian forgave me and the fact that he's glad that i was being honest with him.

but now after all this shit, i don't know if i can be with him anymore. when i look back at our 1 year and a half relationship, i realise tht he is being so patient with my entics and my indecisive mind. i throw to him alot of shitty stuff but he still loves me. i can never do this. he doesn't deserve me, i mean i don't hate him, seriously, i really don't. the point is now that i don't wanna hurt him anymore, and i know i will still hurt him, one way or another. he is just too..idk what to say. i really feel that i don't deserve cristian any more. i seriously think that. and i think i wont allow him to stop me. i'm so sorry baby.

if i can say this to baby, i would like to say that no. 1, you are not a bad boyfriend. you never were and i'm sorry you felt that way. you're not suppose to feel that way. it is me who is the bad bitchy, girlfriend. i was so needy, i wanted your attention so badly but not caring about your situation.

no. 2, i know you try your hardest to juggle your priorities, you have to be with your family, friends, handle work, juggle studies and me. and i feel that im being a burden to you now and im very sorry. you try so hard but i never felt it was good enough, im so sorry baby for being like this.

no. 3, at times i felt that you only wanted me for my body not for who i am but that time when i fainted and my friend told you about my situation after that you went really really concern. at that point when my friend told me about you, i realise you do love me(: another was when we were talking before you head to work and it was the middle of the night for me. i didnt sleep remember. you had to help tht neighbour of your and she stripped in front you in her house, tht was not cool. but the greatest part is when you walk out of her house and was being honest with me and that you really love and think of me and lastly when you told me that if we ever break up, you really want me to find someone better so i won't suffer but vehemently said no, cos i know i can never do that. and you said at least move on and be somebody in life.

now cristian, what you told me, is now what i'm telling you to do. you listen and listen well, i've hurt you so much, i'm a bad girlfriend, you deserve a girl a million times better than me in every aspect, her personality, her body, whatever. i think i will always hurt you if we continue our relationship. i don't hate you baby, i really don't anymore. i hate myself for hurting you so badly. to make you think that you're a bad boyfriend. please let me go and find someone better, someone that won't hurt you and someone that will love you til death and someone tht will be independent and be by herself when you're not with her. thats not me baby, so i can't be with you. i don't want you to suffer any longer by being with me. i really don't want to. i'm so in love with you but i don't want to be with you cos i don't want to hurt you anymore cristian. i really don't. please let me go and please find true love and happiness with someone else a million times better.

don't try to stop me or change my mind, its already been made up. now i'm just waiting for the oportune moment to tell you this heart breaking news. now is not a good time.