songs

-and then a hero comes along with the strenght to carry on.
Mariah Carey - Hero

everybdy has a hero in their lives, that's for sure. I don't know who's my hero. I really don't. So what's a hero? What's in a hero thats make a hero, a hero?I have no clue. But what I know is that we can all be a hero is someone's life. By helping the ones you love, or maybe even a stranger(:


- Romeo take me somewhere, we can be alone.I'll be waiting; all there's left to do is run.You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess.It's a love story, baby, just say yes
Taylor Swift - Love Story

I want baby to do this to me. I wish I can run away with him and just be happy. Forget about the world's problem and just be us. I miss him already. Oh bloody shit, I miss him all the time. I just wanna be happy in your arms. Alway be there to reassure me that everything is going to alright.



- I can make it through the rain, I can stand up once again on my own then I'll know that I'm stronger enough to mend And every time I feel afraid I hold tighter to my faith And I live one more day And I make it through the rain
Mariah Carey - Through the Rain

If I ever have doubts about us baby, I'll be holding on to what you have told me. That you would come and get me. Your promise, so I'll wait. I love you, you're the reason I still hold on to this promise.

Swing

What comes to mind when you see the word swing? the swing at the playground? haha, yeah, maybe. when i was small i use to fight over the swing with my sister or other people at the playground. the exhilirating feeling when you swing up really high and sometimes you feel that your heart is left up in the sky. And you always think that you want to go higher and higher but for me there's a limit, i was scared to go higher. afraid that i would fly off the swing, i think i saw a cartoon character flung off the swing, that's why i was so scared. but thats not the point of why i put swing there as my title.

I was thinking of swinging to jazz music. It's so fun and catchy. and so groovy to swing to, haha. I saw this japanese movie of a bunch of girls making up a jazz band. and the jazz songs totally moved me(: it's really great to listen to. thats why it's call music to the ears? haha, whatever crap am I talking?

If Only

He can see this, or hear what i say and see my facial expression, it would make our problem so much more better.

All I can say is that I love you, Cris. I really do and if only we weren't far apart, things would be so much more easier. Yeap.

And I realise that your first relationship may not be the first person you fall in love with(: and that is OK, I mean really. For me, I had my first relationship was when I was 13. Obvious reason why the guy I was with was not the guy I really loved. The number 13 explains everything. Too young, too naive, so freaking gullible. I swear I was really that gullible and innocent. VERY INNNOCENT I tell you. But my friends say I was to hardest to get influence cos at that time, most of my friends tried cutting themselves, smoking, breaking the school rules (well I did too, to a certain extend). I try to be as my normal self as possible and cos I know what's right and wrong. But, what the hell right? I still went on to have a relationship knowing that my parents won't approve, nor did my teacher cos she found out, hohoho. So ironic huh??

Yeah, always the smart and wise one around my friends but I fell for the constant perstering from my friend and my own curiousity about senior guys, love and relationship. I swear i felt uncomfortable all the time. Trying my best to evade that guy. We ended it after 3 months. I just couldn't take it that it was a lie and the reason for the break up was a lie as well. Yeah I'm such a liar. But hey, it's the past, long gone. We're still friends. Nuetral friends.

Sigh, that was until Cristian came along. Weird thing cos I first talk to him when it was the time my grandma passed away. Irony again, yeap. So anyway, we still continued on talking. We had alot of fun, and some ups and downs of course. Usually, it's me trying to get his attention, etc etc.
I don't wish to talk about that. But his patience and honesty won me over all the time. And being with him for a year and a half now, really makes it difficult for me to let him go. And sometimes I think we fight more than we talk. Oh well, i don't know where this is going. But I know that your first relationship is not equal to your first love. You can have as many relationships you want before finding the person you really love(: cheerio

Salt

OK, what shall I say? I guess I'm off to Australia in 2 days time? Yeap, 2 days. Not long ya know. 48 hours plus plus to go. Lol. Excited? Yeah but I'm more worried about my clothes. Lol, I don't have enough clothes to last 15 days. And, 15 days aint enough to do what I want over there cos there's still my family who would want to go here and there. Hmph, thats not the fun to me, that is. Because I want to do my own stuff at my own free time. Oh well right, my parents are paying to don't bloody argue. And ok, 2 books down, 2 more books to go. So that's four books. I decided to discard my other 2 books. Looks boring, so I shan't read them. Less books, less library fines(:



So I know its tiring but ya know what? Yesterday as I was writing down my thoughts about cristian, (yes I like to write em down), I started to tear. I brushed it off but as I continue to write, I couldn't control em anymore. My nose instantly turned red and luckily my sis didn't suspect anything, she thought i was sick, rright. Hahah. Dumb. Ok, so anyway, as I couldn't take it, I thought of just telling him through email, and get over with it. I wouldn't wait for his reply and just get on with life. I wouldn't care less about what he said. But as I deepened my thoughts, I realise this isnt fair for him, firstly, it's the wrong timing. What happens if he takes it too hard and flung his studies? That could happen, I wouldn't know cos we're far apart. So I don't want to hurt in that way so bad. Also, I don't think I'm ready, I still love him. I really do, I don't know what I would do if it's OVER. It's going to hurt me so bad. So I've decided to hang on. Hang on real tight and wait for the oppurtune moment. I'm still sad, who the hell wouldn't be??

But I've got to get real and get on with life while waiting. That's the only thing I can do(: ciao

There's seriouisly something with me

OK, I just blogged late, in the middle of the night, and now at 9 am in the morning, I'm blogging AGAIN. This is getting pathetic/ Why? cos i haven't sleep the whole night. What am I doing? I don't know. I don't have a freaking clue. I look terrible. I feel cranky, well, duh if someone hasn't sleep for the whole freaking night, of course I'll feel cranky. See, I'm even argueing with myself on a blog?!!?! Oh My God. OKOK, so I have got to calm down, relax and take a breather. I need to talk to me close friends, they are only ones that can cheer me up. Cos I haven't been in contact with them, cos everybody's minding their own business. Hmph, can't blame em anyway. Ok, that's it, I know there's something wrong me, and I bloody know well why and what is it. So what am i still doing here, blogging?? Well, thats cos the problem isn't here. The problem is M.I.A, missing in action. Cos if the problem is here, it would be easier for me to give it a piece of my mind. Ok, not really, but yeah thats what i would do. seriously. AND F.Y.I, I CAN'T MAKE THE BLOODY PROBLEM COME TO ME, IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE!!!!

And who ever like commented my blog but deleted his/her comment, pls don't do that again cos I would really like read your comment and opinion. whether you think it's crappy or anything. But if it's like some insults hurled at me or some stupid irrelevant comment, then it was a wise decision that you deleted the comment:) cheerio

Lots of misses):

It's nothing wrong right? I mean to miss him. Though I have told my heart and head to stop it? I am trying very hard, maybe not hard enough, yeah? What am I going to do? Hmm, I don't know, yeah thats something new, phft. I swear I feel so pathetic. I need a life and not dwell on my past, which is so black and white. Boring....
But, my question is, is it really wrong to miss him? Is it gonna hurt me more?? OMG, what should I do?? Help?!?!? :( And gazing and starring at the full moon doesn't help me anymore:(
How sad rright? I mean when you gaze at the stars, usually you get something out of it right? But I don't get that anymore:( hmm, sad, sad, sad. I hope going holiday to perth would clear my mind. I really hope so. I wanna get away from home, I mean Singapore (i refer to s'pore as home?? thats a new), so many memories. Someone smack me in the head!

oh bullocks!

lol,thats some word i got from a book i have read and finish it within a day. anyway, i am doing alright now i guess. busy 'babysiting' my young cousins cos they are sleeping over:) that should keep my mind fully busy. and of course i am busy finishing up 6 bloody books (ok not bloody) but still i have to finsih reading them. 1 down 5 more to go babeh! haha

it's all good i guess and i can't wait to go to perth next week cos i'm sure it would be awesome and the trip would keep my mind busy too, like duhh! why the hell i am stating the obvious???anyway, i don't know what to blog, i am suppose to be sleeping but im wide awake if dad finds out, im a dead by sunrise,haha. bloody bullshit. so i'm still trying to find my way(: but now i know that i am not shaky. well maybe a little but not so unlike the previous day where i cried my eye balls out to sleep.

yeah i say i'm not shaky now but i reckon a minute later i'll starting thinking and regreting and then think of all the things thats going to bring back memories then comes the river of tears and the chunky snorts that needs a dozen of tissue boxes to be used to clean my nose and face:) wow, thats alot.

anyway,ciao for now

Can I die??

Yes I ask myself that all the freaking time. I don't know what has gotten into me. yes, maybe I'm turning into those emotional people that cry all time/cut their freaking wrist. OK, i won't cut myself cos i have fears holding a penknife. REALLY. I get scared by just looking at it. Furthermore, I know the pain is going to hurt, so I won't EVER cut myself. So far, I'm hanging in there, trying and always trying to find my way(:

Today, I went out with my best friend to borrow some library books. Since it's the holidays, we get to borrow twice the amount of books, so now 8 books(: So yeah, my mind was totally not trying too hard to ya know....

Like someone said, if this happens, let it happen. But then again, at the back of my mind, it would always be telling me that, it's not so easy as you think. Easier said than done, yep. That's what my brain keeps telling my heart, and now, my heart doesn't know what to do. Should I follow my pinkish organ, that gives me the ability to be able to think and get smart? Or should I listen to the reddish fist size organ that beats all the time to give me life and never stopping??
Which one?

Should the heart tell the brain to stop thinking and worrying so much and just freaking move one???? OR Should the brain tell the heart to let go? Cos if we're meant to be than fate and destiny will work it's magic. I don't know man. I wish I was an eagle. Why you ask? Because at some time, when I look up into the blue sky when I'm by the balcony or looking out in the car's window or just looking up into the sky in my room, and when I'm lucky, I would see and eagle.
It's a rare sight I say and eagles can soar in the sky without flapping their wings too much? Like the sparrows and pigeons. Eagles are free birds. I want to be free like them. They don't need to care of love, school, feelings, emotions, family and other things that I do. All they need to do is to survive, that's all.

*I wanna fly and be free from my responsibilities.

i think i've found it

well, like i said things can just happen. you have to be patient to let what you want come true.
don't understand the freaking crapp i'm saying? well, seriously, after what i just vomit out few days ago, i really i was going to suffer, well, i mean, i thought i was not going to make. i thought that i will be moping arnd all day, trying to find my way. yes just like my pic(: but, that was in the begining. now, i'm telling myself that, i want to get my mind away from all this. yes, i'm doing it.

i am now thinking of my friends, and thinking of hari raya haji tmr, well, later actually. ok not really. i don't really bother much becos it's not as happening as hari raya puasa, or aid mubarak as some people would say. so yes, i'm thinking of my friends. thinking where shall i squeeze all of them in one week. that's becos i am going off to australia to meet my cousin who migrated there a few years ago. so now, finally i get to meet him. so i want to prepare, and pack my clothings as soon as possible. i am really paranoid about the things i'm going to pack. seriously, i'm going for 2 weeks and being a girl, i'll definitely pack too many things and will make my bag explode. yikes, i don't want it to explode in front of alot of people, like the airport. it's embarassing. hoho.

so yes back to my beloved friends. i have so many different batched of friends. some are from band(: love them, miss them. some just wanna catch up cos, i don't know for what actually. yeah my two best friends. i miss them loads. and they are a defnite yes and a must to go out with. i haven't met both of them together, as like the 3 of us. just the 3 of us watching the world pass by, :D yeah that meeting, is a MUST! and yes, i still have a band concert to attend to. my senior is playing and i miss him. ok we miss each other becos it's a really really long time since we meet up. oh gosh, so many people to meet, so little time and so little clothes! goodness me. so now that's more important than thinking about cristian. i'm sure he is very busy now studying for his finals.

though it's not really over and it's still at the back of my mind :(( i have to seriously stop this. i have to, no mater what. i don't want to suffer and get hurt anymore. i have to stop hurting myself. And i promise myself, i will.

what am i going to do now?

I want to put my past behind, though it's not officially over but I say it's over because I'd rather let myself think it's over so I won't feel hurt, depressed, suffocated etc etc... So pretending now that I have moved on, what should I do?? It's going to be difficult but I know I have to do this. Yes bitter sweet memories are still etched in my mind and my wounded heart. It's wounded because I slashed it with my own incompetence. I hurt my heart with my own self fish act. And yes I'm paying for it right now. I know these bitter sweet memories of us won't go away. That's because memories stay deep within you. No matter how hard you want it to go away, it won't.

Memories are stubborn. They want to stay. Some are nice because they want you to remember the sweet, the happy, the great, the smiling memories. While the memories are obviously otherwise. We have to live with it i guess. Hard, tough thing to go through. Honey, who ever said life was easy, life is not a bed of roses with daisy growing by the side of the pathway?? Who the hell ever thought that life was like that?? Oh yeah, fantasies and some folk tales and fairy tales.

God help me. I need to find reassurance and patience. I don't know how I can bounce back from this gloomy part of growing up. I hate it going through all this down side. It really hurts you in a way that won't make you forget. And though the saddness, anger, frustration and confusion is no longer there, there will alway be a tinge of it. Though i tell myself to stop moping, tell my head and my heart that I did the right thing, it was what's best for me. I just feel like I can't.

I have been emotionally attached to someone and emotions are strong. I go with my emotions when it comes to this. And a person like me, can deal well when it comes to the negative emotions. Once I'm sad, depressed, feeling lonely or even angry, I can't control it. Why is it that difficult?? That's why I need help. I need faith that I can get through this. So can I? I hope so.
I really do(:

~til then

inner peace??

after vomiting out my thoughts and what i wish i could say to my boyfriend, i feel a little at peace now(: but yes i still feel very sad. i feel torn aprt, again. should i tell him? or should i not? will i be happier after all this? will i get jealous if he does find someone new? or will cristian find a better person? i don't know, there are so many questions. and i don't know the answers to the questions. i wish for something, but i don't know what is that. i don't know what i want. it's ridiculous. i hope people pass by and comment, i mean, give good constructive comments, not spamming me. or whatever. i just hope whatever happens, happens for a good reason. and i guess karma will do the job as well.

once evrything here is settled, i guess i won'te be so lovey dovey, cos i guess this 'thing' should be over. so i'm gonna blog stuff that makes more sense to me. and tear all those stuff at the sides of my blog(:

i'm scared

i am torn apart, obviously. i was so bored, i counted back the days when i last talk to my baby. and that was only 2 weeks ago. and i'm like what?? it felt like for ages. being so far away from baby, not talking to him for so long, leaving him messages but he didn't response. i mean don't get me wrong, i know he is busy, his finals is next week, and he wants to graduate so this final exams means alot to him. yes obviously. but i'm so scared, like really really afraid that my feelings for him will fade. omg, i don't know what to do if that happens. i am so going to break his heart. i feel like an idiot, like a heartbreaker. i mean c'mon seriously, these things can happen because we're long distance. and it is so so difficult and i don't know what to do.

for the 2 weeks, yes my mind is off thinking about baby. i'm trying so hard not to cos i know i will feel so so depressed and sad that it would end up hurting me. And at the same time, i realised that in this relationship, all i ever did was to hurt my darling, mi amor(: i feel like a monster. how could you bare to hurt someone you love so badly? someone who loves you so much? its not fair right?? i told cristian tht i hated him, and it's not just once. told him that alot of times and after comes the part where 'i wanna break up with you'. this cycle went on once in awhile. i realise tht it only when on when he's not around and when i want to get his attention. i feel like a bitch right now, i swear. i don't know what to do, i don't want to hurt anymore than i have.

its also because, i have cheated on him once and that person was a fucking jerk and bastard. i hope you die in hell :) yeah how stupid was i to fall for him, what an idiot. it was my fault too, know i already have a boyfriend and i still went along with this idiot, how naive can i get. i will hate this guy forever, won't forgive him til the day he dies, or the day i die. ok, that was really harsh but i can't help it. idk, maybe one day, i will eventually forgive him indirectly or something, whatever. i was lucky that cristian forgave me and the fact that he's glad that i was being honest with him.

but now after all this shit, i don't know if i can be with him anymore. when i look back at our 1 year and a half relationship, i realise tht he is being so patient with my entics and my indecisive mind. i throw to him alot of shitty stuff but he still loves me. i can never do this. he doesn't deserve me, i mean i don't hate him, seriously, i really don't. the point is now that i don't wanna hurt him anymore, and i know i will still hurt him, one way or another. he is just too..idk what to say. i really feel that i don't deserve cristian any more. i seriously think that. and i think i wont allow him to stop me. i'm so sorry baby.

if i can say this to baby, i would like to say that no. 1, you are not a bad boyfriend. you never were and i'm sorry you felt that way. you're not suppose to feel that way. it is me who is the bad bitchy, girlfriend. i was so needy, i wanted your attention so badly but not caring about your situation.

no. 2, i know you try your hardest to juggle your priorities, you have to be with your family, friends, handle work, juggle studies and me. and i feel that im being a burden to you now and im very sorry. you try so hard but i never felt it was good enough, im so sorry baby for being like this.

no. 3, at times i felt that you only wanted me for my body not for who i am but that time when i fainted and my friend told you about my situation after that you went really really concern. at that point when my friend told me about you, i realise you do love me(: another was when we were talking before you head to work and it was the middle of the night for me. i didnt sleep remember. you had to help tht neighbour of your and she stripped in front you in her house, tht was not cool. but the greatest part is when you walk out of her house and was being honest with me and that you really love and think of me and lastly when you told me that if we ever break up, you really want me to find someone better so i won't suffer but vehemently said no, cos i know i can never do that. and you said at least move on and be somebody in life.

now cristian, what you told me, is now what i'm telling you to do. you listen and listen well, i've hurt you so much, i'm a bad girlfriend, you deserve a girl a million times better than me in every aspect, her personality, her body, whatever. i think i will always hurt you if we continue our relationship. i don't hate you baby, i really don't anymore. i hate myself for hurting you so badly. to make you think that you're a bad boyfriend. please let me go and find someone better, someone that won't hurt you and someone that will love you til death and someone tht will be independent and be by herself when you're not with her. thats not me baby, so i can't be with you. i don't want you to suffer any longer by being with me. i really don't want to. i'm so in love with you but i don't want to be with you cos i don't want to hurt you anymore cristian. i really don't. please let me go and please find true love and happiness with someone else a million times better.

don't try to stop me or change my mind, its already been made up. now i'm just waiting for the oportune moment to tell you this heart breaking news. now is not a good time.