chemistry doesnt work

god damn it, today was a wreck, esp in the morning. the rest was ok. not seems to surprise me no more, or should i say nothing seems to excite me or makes me laugh anymore. like what the hell? whats wrong with me? am i not human??

anw, chemistry, economics and math are my 3 main subject and chemistry and math are the crucial subjects that will enable me to into NUS nursing with double honours. god! why chem? man im stuck with this cos its the only way for me to get into nursing. why didnt i just get a diploma in nursing instead of degree? oh wait, a degree is waay better than diploma, yeah but in what ways?? =.= that i still dont get. thats besides the point. im trying to get use to the indepedent study and getting use to chemistry lessons 4 times a week. 4 TIMES! in a freaking week! and i wanna kill some one right now who's suppose to be here with me but aint here. =.=

i think im having mood swings, god! im so piss off with the world and my head's hurting. its cracking, compressing and evrything. it hurts! really badly. i dont wanna get a migrane like my mum. please dont :/ im so tired...

Mummy

i want to be a mummy, yeah a mother. i want to be a mother. i wanna go through pregnancy and all stuff that women go through. i think to myself, i dont mind being a young mother right now but i knw i am not fully aware of the consequences if tht we to happen. when i look at babies, it makes me want to have one on my own. i really do want to having kids, alots of kids but not like 14 with 8 identical twins. 14's too much for me. but yeah i would like a big family.

i know i would be so scared too to raise a child when im still a kid. i cant be independent right now, i really cant. but i want a child, lol, i told tht to scott. well, luckily he doesnt mind :) we love each other and he would be a responsible, i just know it

Finally

finally you've replied, finally i felt some relieved. after all my cries and pleas, you forgive me. im glad that you're getting ready for college. im happy for you but dont blame yourself, please dont. maybe its me who needs to grow up. yes i do agree im kinda needy, i dont know why, maybe becos im so attached to you. i need you so much but i know i cant always have you. your life doesnt revolve arnd me no more. but its so hard trying to not being needy. i wish i am just right beside you right now. i wish things were different. but i cant change it. i miss you is all i can feel. i love you is all i can profess. being with you is all i ever wish for. So now that you've replied me, i guess i have to wait another two/three months for another reply? i hope i can survive tht. i really hope so. i cant go through another horrible meltdown that had me sick for days and make me unable to speak. i felt depressed, so depressed. i dont know what to do now. im stuck. as always

i take it back

i take back what i said, sid. i am in pain i guess. and wanna knw why?
i've made a huge regrettable mistake which is haunting me right now.
i mean i made a mistake which i wish i hadnt done it
but now i can be forgiven no matter how much i plea.

i miss him so badly. if only im given the chance, i would want to turn back time and redo what i have done wrong. if only i had cherished the moments and asked for something more. cos i only have little, tiny, fragile memories of you. i cant do this. i cant keep thinking of "if only". Its over and done with. but i now i keep waiting for you. keep waiting for your reply, keep thinking what happened to you, are you safe? are you alright? are you happy? are you with some one else? though i will be so jealous but i have to force myself to be happy cos its for the best. i wanna talk to you so badly. i can only say so much but you wont even hear my cies and apologies. even though i've decided to break away, you still havent reply me, you havent say anything, so my deicision is hanging on a lose thread. its so hard to keep it together. its so hard for me stay compose cos every time i wanna cry. i wanna cry cos everything's gone. everything's different. i feel that you're gone. i cant do this. i broke all our promises and im fighting to love some one else. i can't do this. I Can't. cos you havent speak to me for so long. i need to knw. i need to knw everything. I MISS YOU. BUT I knw you dont cos you hate me right now

stuck

i can't go back and i don't want to move forward.
im stubborn enough that i want to stay here, comfy.
not wanting to step out and only yearning to go back.

yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift thats why it's called present.
a saying from a wise turtle in the children movie kung fu panda.

even a cartoon turtle is wiser than me? OMG!?!?
yeah yesterday is history cos its over.
tomorrow is a mystery cos you don't knw what's coming for ya.
but i don't why today is a gift. i've been trying to figure it out
but i can't. i bloody hell can't! damn it.

i only have memories of you, faint memories, fragile memories that could crumble any time.
im suppose to look forward, not turn back but i can't help it cos i miss you, C
but i can't break S's heart. god why is my life so annoyingly complicated????
and im angry cos it's like tht. i dont have a smooth sailing trip.
the waves are always big and choppy and i almost drown.
its tiring but what i can i do?
i can only hope and pray tht you get my message, C.
from there we could work things out but i knw it's gonna be ugly.
VERY ugly.