love story

we are so young but we wanna be together forever so badly. i yearn for you so much. we don't care about anything but us. just the both of us.

i wanna lay down with you, feel your security from your strong arms. i don't want you to let me go because i would feel at such a loss. i wanna be able to hug you, kiss you, show my love for you but i can't do that. we're parted by the ocean. im waiting for that day whereby no one can stop me from seeing you. we're so perfect just that the distance is what's keeping us apart. i always imagine this:

laying in bed with you, with my head resting on your chest. hearing your steady breathe. i'm so afraid that you would stop breathing as i wrap my arms tighter around you. i think to myself why does loving someone is never easy, why is it so complicated? why can't people just be happy for us that we wanna be together? i realize i can't please everyone. Scott says i should stop thinking about others and start thinking about what i really want which is us. I'm sorry thats the way i grew up, i put others first before myself. i can never stop crying cos i defy my family to pursue happiness, my own happiness but it comes with a cost.

culture vulture

what is culture anyway? we say that's our culture, that's the way we do it, its our culture. Western culture, Asian culture, there are so many different cultures that we do not know of. i think the only cultures we know are our own culture and the popular western culture.

it's my self interest to know about other people's culture, esp traditional ones, its worth learning as it's almost at lost. most of us right now are leaning towards modern culture, western culture. as i punch my keyboard, i realise culture now, is such a broad topic, and i cant touch on every single angel ya know. like i can talk about racial culture, if there's such a thing. a specific example would be the Hollywood culture, there's a lesbian culture in my sister's junior college. i think there's homosexual culture every where now. so what is culture really?

so i checked dictionary.com i got 11 different meanings. some are the same, while some aren't. i pick two out of the 11.
1. the quality in a person or society that arises from a concern for what is regarded as excellent in arts, letters, manners, scholarly pursuits, etc

2.the behaviors and beliefs characteristic of a particular social, ethnic, or age group: the youth culture; the drug culture.

yeah so i don't know what I'm touching on exactly about culture but here's experience.
you see, my friend, A, is a mix of dutch and Malay. her mum's dutch, her dad's Malay, Muslim.

so when you're a Muslim, u can only marry a Muslim, so the mum has to convert. so whatever race your dad is you follow, usually that's the case. you think you're all that and say you wont date malay guys? who the hell are you? I say malay guys have waaay better personality than white guys, okay, put it as Asian guys. Okay, i just contradict myself, i'm with a white dude, but i dont think i go around saying im not proud of who i am, I'm proud to be Asian, i'd rather look like a malay than a chinese, cos im part chinese. And for goodness sake, dress properly not like a fcking slut at the red light district, hah. and your boyfriend's friends says your like a minah. HAHAHA, straight up thats so true. I knw im bitching right now but seriously you need a reality check. yeap.

and i still cant believe am hanging out with her. gawd.

cross roads.

it's been a while since i've posted somethings. alot has happen to me in just a span of two weeks. ya know all the sudden cristian just msg me and asked hey what up, long time no talk, whts up in ur life, what have i missed? (omg, i could remember every single thing he said) oh well, yeah, i thought i would have the shocked and tingle-y feeling inside of me but instead all i felt was emptiness and surprised. yeah that was wht i felt and my face totally changed from happy cheerie me to a blank empty stoney look. my friend ask me whats wrong, and i couldnt put it in words to tell her how i feel.

i mean the story goes like, im so in love with scott right now and i finally sought the energy, the effort to put you away in my thoughts and i did. i dont have the painful feeling in my heart anymore. and when i look back i realise i cant vision myself with you, living together in the future. i'm the kind of person who loves long term relationships. i mean i dont like playing around, i wanna stay with tht person for as long as we can. but i suddenly realise tht wouldnt happen with cristian. so when he repiled me, i feel like, omg what am i gonna do? and the way he msg me was like nothing happen btwn us before. like he doesnt acknowledge me that i was once his girl. but go to hell, i decided to let it be, if he doesnt want me anymore, then fine, his fucking lost.

but right now at this very moment, im also having doubts with myself. i mean sometimes i ponder, about whts going on between me and scott, is it too good to be true??? i mean im a very skeptical person, i dont know realise i have something good in my hands before its gone. thats my problem. thts wht happen btwn me and C, when we were so close to breaking up. we were really cool together, i realise i love him alot and whenever he said i love you, my heart melts just like that. i guess it shows tht he loves me. but right now, he's gone and doesnt bother about me any more. i guess his defination of love and mine are in parallels, i mean it doesnt meet and will never meet anymore.

so moving on, my best friend is envious of us being together, we're the super cute, disgustingly romantic couple that loves each other til death. well, i love that too. i love to soak him with my love but the feeling isnt the same as the feeling i had with C. maybe cos different ppl, its felt differently :) i hope so. i have to stop diverging to C, its getting annoying! ok where was i?

yes, Scott, i mean he promise me he will come to Singapore, to meet but every time i bring up the subject, he tells me i'll try my very best darling. i know he doesnt want to keep my hopes up but he's already bringing it down for me. i feel so scared now. im scared that i dont have the patience to wait. and im hating myself for tht. he's so patient with me, why cant i be like that???
i want him so bad til it makes me cry. i dont want us to break apart neither do i want him to feel that im so clingy and dont give him space. i wanna be brutally honest with him but its just hard to tell him. :(( wht am i gonna do?