bloggggg

i love writing at this blog, cos i can write anything i want and nobody would care. nobody knows about this, well except for one person but well, that doesn't matter cos my friend doesn't know about this part of my life. only one or two but i don't care really. i just want to vomit out all my feelings and just write all i want. and i don't really care if people get bored of reading this blog. i just don't care anymore.

in this platform, i can express my true feelings and what's really bugging me, i swear my other blog is just like a facade. i mean yes i do blog about my daily happenings in school and whatnot on my other blog but in that blog, i can't express what im truly feeling cos no one knows and it's just between me myself and i. sometimes however, i cant keep all those overwhelming feeling to myself so i blog it here. it feels good but after that i do wish for a shoulder to cry on or a lending ear.

exhausted

im exhausted of everything. and i do mean everything. im exhausted with school, assignments, boring routine. Wait? whats my routine? oh yes, going to school, getting tired. not paying attention, losing focus, just wanting to go home and sleep. then wake up, miss dinner and do my homework. waiting for scott to get online, talk to him for only awhile. he doesn't knw how annoying it is to wait for him, only talking to him for a short time. when i asked him not to leave, he says he have to, whatever. im tired of that. then going back to do assignments and crying soon after cos i can't do chemistry, thats for sure. then doing math is stressing me out. looking at geog tutorials is irritating me. im just exhausted but i cant break this. my life is so dull right now. and i can't help it. i dont know wht i enjoy doing so tht i can break from my monotone routine. this cycle repeats every other school day. by the time weekends, im burn out.

and honestly im tired of waiting for scott to come online and tired of cristian to finally appear. i cant blame thats the sucky part, he wants to focus and study. i guess he cant spare a small moment for me. just to help clear things up with us. i dont think scott sees my problem, duhh he doesnt cos he doesnt know im secretly wanting to be back with cristian. what a bitch i am. fuck.
i want cristian back cos we havent officially break up, we're.. i dont know. i dont knw what we are right now. are we together? are we single now? i am tired of waiting. it was since november last year. now its march. 5 months, you're killing. its so hard for me. im telling a computer my feelings. a robot tht doenst have feelings at all. nice work.

im thankful that scott is so happy go lucky but i dont know. he does listens to me. he's the most perfect guy a girl could ever want. so fucking sweet. im just tired of everything. i need some sleep but then im gonna miss scott. see! oh god, can this thing get any more annoying? grrr
i hate him =.= i said tht to evry one sheesh

waiting

i feel so stupid waiting, pretending that you're gonna come but what are the odds? nothing i guess. you're not gonna come, you're never going to. it just sucks big time right now. too many things, its been too long, and that one day was just luck. its never gonna happen again. i've lost you forever.

river of tears

when read back our conversations i saved and as we progressed through the years, i realize my love for you deepened. Honestly, some times I'm scared to say how much I love you cos I'm afraid of what you might think. You might think that Im insane or something, i dont know. I mean there was once I told you, I need you. But in the end you snapped back asking me what do I need you for? I didnt dare to say anything cos you were so piss at me but isnt it obvious? You're my boyfriend then, i dont know about now. I need you to be a boyfriend, my boyfriend. When you asked me that, you broke my heart but i didnt wanna say it cos i've broken your heart far worst than you've broke mine. Another one, when I told you, I wanna be with you forever. I was so sure about my decision but you doubted me and asked me am I sure? Its like as if you dont want me to be with you :( it sucks thinking like that.

And now, you're gone from my life. I feel like it. I miss you but then again, you're not there. Who am I to blame? I got no one to blame but myself. How can I not blame myself because it's true, I've hurt and that drove you away, in turn i shattered my own heart. I know you say that you're busy with school, preparing college but i guess at the same time, its a good way to be away from me too. So you wouldnt feel burdened from me. I dont know what to think cos if i think of this, you will tell me otherwise. I dont know, I dont know! This sucks so bad. I know you wouldn't be thinking about me anymore, you're too busy with school and making sure you have time for your friends. Im nothing anymore, im not your girlfriend anymore :(